Monday, August 27, 2012

Hell's Kitchen Episode 18 Recap

Episode 18

Enjoy the beginning of the end for Hell's Kitchen run as a quality television program because those days are long gone.  I just wanna look away, too.

Hey,  Hell's Kitchen?  You suck.  What an absolute disaster this show has turned into.  In case you needed any more of a memo, the Titanic has hit the ice berg and is halfway submerged into the Atlantic. 

Clemenza: Just watching the intro I'm wondering how the hell Clemenza made it to the Final Five.  I think he may very well be the worst fifth place finisher in Hell's Kitchen history. 

The "you'll never believe who Chef Ramsay lets into Hell's Kitchen" people: We've only been doing this for 10 seasons now, guys.  The families have only made it into Hell's Kitchen every single season at around this time.  The only reason they pumped this up in the promo is probably because this episode is going to stink, i.e. Justin is going to the finals.  Let's find out (spoiler: this episode has a far worse ending than Justin going to the finals). 

Dana, Ole Yeller: If I had one question to ask Dana I'd ask why she yells all the time.  It's like Dana was cryogenically frozen for 30 years and is having difficulty controlling the VOLUME OF HER VOICE. 


Ingredients Challenge: 15 dollars to create a dish to turn a profit.  Dana won with an average of 34 dollars the judges were willing to pay.  That's all I have to say about that.

Punishment: Organizing trash?  Really?  Are they going to be forced to watch 2 Girls 1 Cup next?

Justin, vomit recycling: "That's what I'm thinking right now, I'm going to recycle my throw up."  Oh, so it turns out you are capable of thinking, huh, Justin?  Now it all makes sense.

Justin, smelly guy: "Why do I keep smelling like garbage?!" Because you are garbage, you silly cow.

Fox, crappy editors: I always love how the winner of an award comes back and everyone "ignores" him or her.  This happens multiple times every season and it's so overly transparent here that they're just pasting together various sound clips of Dana yelling to try and create some drama.  You really expect me to believe that Dana asks a question and everyone in the kitchen just stands there and looks at her?  No, sorry.

The Hot Plate Test: So here's the part where each chef is given the chance to run the brigade.  They have to notice purposely sabotaged dishes for quality control and have to show they can lead a line.  Justin did good, Dana kinda sucked, Barbie was okay after she realized that she needed to call out orders to her team rather than the customers, and Christina did okay other than the fact that she was getting too emotional.

Justin, ego: "The biggest thing I've learned in this competition is to leave my ego and know I can lead a team."  Justin has an ego?  You mean he thinks he has a manhood somewhere in that flattened pizza he calls a face?

Fox Sucks: To be continued.  Unbelievable.  What is this, the fifth one?  I'm currently writing an article about how Gordon Ramsay is spreading himself too thin.  I've been delaying its release because this season just keeps getting worse and worse which just keeps giving me more and more content to bitch about.  I'm just shocked and appalled that this is what Hell's Kitchen has turned into.  Gordon Ramsay seriously needs a reality check.

Final Four: Barbie has improved vastly from the beginning but it's not enough to advance.  Dana chose a really bad time to mail in a crappy performance, so it'll probably be Christina and Justin.

Hell's Kitchen, suck it: For the first time in Hell's Kitchen history we won't know who's going to the finals until the actual final episode.  I don't even know what to say anymore.  Absolutely pathetic.  For a guy who goes around telling professionals how to improve themselves, Gordon Ramsay I think needs to cut down on the dosage of whatever hallucinogenic he's been taking this season.