Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 4 Recap

Season 11, Episode 4 Recap


Episode 3, crappy cliffhanger: Last week I said "Okay, here's how it's gonna go: Ramsay is gonna have a little pep talk with Jeremy and tell him to work hard and then Jeremy goes back to the dorm.  Bite me, editors."  To start off episode 4, Ramsay has a little pep talk with Jeremy and tells him to work hard and then Jeremy went back to the dorm.  Bite me, editors. 

The HK3K Marathon: Just an excuse for Ramsay to show off his arms, just like Hotel Hell is an excuse for Ramsay to get naked in every episode.  I am not joking.

Ramsay, joker: "How on earth is lunch gonna be ready if you're out running with us?  Seriously!"  HAHAHAHA THAT'S SO FUNNY, GORDON! YOU MAKE FUNNY JOKE!!!!111

Dan, all legs: "I'm all legs.  I'm pretty sure I can run this backwards."  Cool story, bro.  Why don't you try that.

Susan, smoothie queen: "I'm the smoothie queen so I can pretty much guarantee they're gonna be good to go."  Why does smoothie queen sound so dirty?  Maybe it's because immediately afterward she was directing Mary to clean the rim.

California Lush Wine Country Reward: Maybe it's because I live in California so I'm spoiled with most of these rewards, but when they do things like go to Napa or go to Santa Monica it's just, like, meh.  Been there, done that.  It's even worse with American Idol auditions and all the "GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!" proclamations.  I go there all the time and get stuck in traffic.  Enjoy.


Mikey Wikey, slow learner: On what can help the Blue Team, "You know what might help us during service?  The tickets.  Can it just be slowed down just so everybody can hear it and repeat it?"  I can't believe Ramsay agreed to that.  I figured he would eat him or something.

Mary the Butcher, feet in our food: "Oh my gosh!  I've always wanted to squish grapes with my feet!"  I hope those grapes are in a barrel labeled toxic waste. 

Grape squisher

Mary the Butcher likes it squishy and sticky: "It's squishy, it's sticky, it's the perfect reward, the perfect experience."  Good to know, Mary.  You've pleased people with foot fetishes everywhere.

Jon, clever guy: "Dan, he's just lost in the sauce."  

Mikey Wikey vs. Danny Boy Round I: Introducing the fight between the two biggest pussies in Hell's Kitchen history.

Jeremy, dining room: Notice that Jeremy was relegated to the dining room after his pep talk with Ramsay.  I think that means he'll be around for a while longer.

Ryan Hollins, who the hell?: 99% of America has no idea who this guy is and he probably received more screen time tonight than time on the court all season.

Ramsay, troll: Wow, he actually called the orders slower.  

Barret, nervous wreck: "I'm a little nervous about Ray, I'm not gonna f$@&!(@ lie.  51 years old, memory's not really there.  Conducted the 1850 census.  Was George Washington's dog walker."  Seriously, Gordon Ramsay is almost 50.  I'd watch the age jabs.

Mikey Wikey vs. Danny Boy Round II: It's like a fight between the tampon and the teabag.  I can't begin to explain how horribly lame these two guys are. 

Red Team, ass kissers: "They think they're king cause they kissed Celine Dion's ass in Vegas."  Huh.  Must have missed the ass kissing part.  Damn editors. 

Danielle, broken record: "I've been telling you all from the beginning over and over and over again that I've never cooked anything and I suck at doing this and I should go home!"

Ramsay: "So Nidra.  Jessica's not a good teammate.  Explain that to me."
Nidra: "........................................................"
*translation: I'm a stupid moron"


So Danielle goes home.  She should have gone home last week, especially after Ramsay declared that chefs need to fight back.  When has this girl ever fought back?  

Bus Count: Ramsay informed Danny Boy that his incompetence is getting Mikey Wikey run over, and meanwhile Danielle is getting tired of being run over because she didn't think to practice working on a brigade prior to arriving at Hell's Kitchen.  Season total: 6. 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 3 Recap

Season 11
Episode 3 Recap

Gordon demonstrating how he does his "GET OUT" face

Gina vs. Nidra: Quite possibly the most hilarious confrontation in Hell's Kitchen history.  Gina went all Jude Law on everyone, getting all dramatic and offended and really over-pronunciating her words to make a point; "I did NAUGHTA throw you under the BUS-A!"  Then the impression, holy crap!


I seriously lost it right there.  

Gina, alphabet stalker: "You better watch your P's and Q's cause you don't know me!"  That's the first time anyone has ever used letters as a threat when brewing up for a fight in the history of the universe.

Gina goes home: While I thought the promo hinting that someone goes home was bogus, I did call that Gina would be one of the first to go.  But you know what?  I'm kinda disappointed to be honest.  She's actually really frickin' entertaining and I would have liked to see the rivalry with Nidra unfold.  But I guess in a way this is better than the editors milking a rivalry for all it's worth like Kimmie and Robyn last season.

Nidra, limited vocabulary: "Bitch, bitch, bitch, you better bitch your way outta here bitch you bitch pour me a bitch of bitch, bitch."  Why is it that Hell's Kitchen's fattest contestants are always limited to saying bitch every other word? 

Gordon's got a cold: For the first time in Hell's Kitchen history, all of the tables will get violently ill.  Thanks for those world class standards, Gordon. 

Ramsay, instant gratification: "I think it's about time you all start showing some form of teamwork."  I agree, Gordon.  Just hours after these 20 random people were brought together to do the hardest dinner service of their lives, it IS about time they start showing some form of teamwork. 

Ray, way premature ejaculation: "We finally beat the girls!"  Dude...you've been competing for a day.  Is there a week-long time lapse that I missed or something?

Anthony, ankle roller: I like how his foot nearly severs off his leg and his teammate, like a perfectly timed bad joke, says "careful!"  Dude could have landed in a vat of burning gasoline; careful!

Ray, lobster cleaner: "I'm from Boston.  Lobsters are everything.  I've been doing this my whole life.  This is a no brainer!"  Just like using your fingers to test food, right, Ray?

Dan, needs a laxative: "We're halfway there, they're already done with number 2."

Dan, clogged on number 2

Fishhead Soup: Ah, the mandatory disgusting punishment dish.  The sad thing is I would actually try this if challenged. 

Jeremy, fishhead vomit: "The worst part is if I threw up it would look just like this."  The worst part is if you didn't throw up you'd still look just like that.

Jalen Rose, massive NBA player: I don't know why, but I lol'd when I saw this guy walk in.  I lol'd even harder when Jean Philippe referred to him as "massive". 

Danielle, drinking problem: Unfortunately, I think drinking is the least of her problems.  

"I've never been on a brigade before.  I've never cleaned a lobster before.  I've never cooked risotto before."

Jeremy, denied: "Come on, buddy, I'm asking you if you want my help and you deny me."  Quick, someone bust out the "Now That's What I Call 80s Love Songs" CD.  Holy crap, dude.  

"Come on, buddy, I just wanted to hold your hand and you deny me."

Susan, shit cooker: "I'm courageous.  I say bring it on!  I know I can cook the shit out of this lamb!"  Well, it's nice that you can cook feces out of an animal, but seriously, I have no idea what to think of this girl.  She's hot, but, like, there's there's something about her that isn't.  She's a bitch, but then she's, like, not really.  She seems like a leader but, like, she's not.  I really have no idea what to make of her.

Shit Cooker!

Christian goes home: Bahstan Christian went home, which I don't agree with at all.  Look, Danielle sucks, okay?  This is no great mystery.  She's terrible, she has no confidence, and as she's pointed out numerous times, she's never worked on a brigade before.  And then Ramsay says that Hell's Kitchen is all about fighting back?  What fight has he seen out of Danielle up until now?  I mean, really?

Terrible cliffhanger: Okay, here's how it's gonna go: Ramsay is gonna have a little pep talk with Jeremy and tell him to work hard and then Jeremy goes back to the dorm.  Bite me, editors.

Bus Counter: Nidra was thrown under the bus twice today; first when Gina wanted someone else on risotto and again when Danielle wasn't "making looooove" to the lamb, bringing the season's total to 4. 


Mikey-Wikey vs. Danny Boy: You know what?  I thought Gina vs. Nidra was hilarious but...I think this tops it. 

Fun episode overall, though the TBC can still bite me.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 2 Recap

Season 11
Episode 2 Recap

"Alright you muppets, who farted?"

Alright, as much as I disliked season 10 and as much of a letdown as episode 1 was...episode 2 was actually REALLY FRICKIN' GOOD!!!  It had action, it had comedy, it had bitches bein' crazy, it had Gordon yelling in British - everything you could want from an HK episode this one had.

Zachy-Wacky: Dude's a straight-up baller.  Early front-runner right here.  Totally held his own in the kitchen and called it like it is with Jeremy. 

Susan: Is this chick hot or is she just a bitch?  Usually in HK they're mutually exclusive.

Gordon-teed: A complete dinner service on opening night.  Yeah, we've never seen this before.

Jean Philippe: Hey!  Look who decided to stumble in and crash onto the floor as if they hadn't rehearsed it at all!  EXCELLENT!

Ramsay, totally unscripted: "JP.  I need the f#!*!* tickets.  You disappear for three years and then you turn up late.  How rude!"

Mary the Vocal Butcher: Please, someone just stuff an eggplant in this girl's mouth.

The correct response is "yes, chef".  The blue team's response is"..."

Christian: Dude really is from Boston.  Can barely understand a word he's sayin'.  "Eam rally peesed raught naow, I'm doing mai paaaart out der and mai team can't get da first table togetha."

Mary the Vocal Butcher: "'How much longer?  How much longer?' Shut up, Gina!"  Actually, you'd be doing ALL OF US a favor if YOU would shut up, Mary. 

Puppetmaster Gina: "Nedra won't tell me annnnnything!"  Why don't you just ask Alfredo then, Gina?


Sebastian: Mikey-Wikey, Zachy-Wacky...yeah, just gtfo, bro. 

Danielle, bad memory: "I don't know how you're expected to remember all of the tickets."  Well, Danielle, it's this nifty new invention called a brain.  They're on sale from Target for $14.95. 

Danielle: I've never worked in a brigade before.
Susan: Oh really?  (Translation: Good, you'll be gone in no time!)

Ramsay: Now f!@& off.
Danielle: Yes, thank you.

Dan, Captain Obvious: "There's gotta be meat on there!  This isn't a dog's chew toy!  This is lamb!"  Thanks for the inspiring lecture, Dan. 

Danielle, obviously never seen an episode of Hell's Kitchen: Okay, we get that you've never worked on a brigade (line) before.  You don't need to say it every five seconds.  But seriously, this show is only in its eleventh season.  When you heard that you were gonna be on it don't you think it would have been a good idea to, you know, get some practice in?   I mean wtf is up with you, girl?

Danielle: Sorry chef, I'm confused.  Do you need the one for the redo and the two chicken and two wellington or do you just need the two chicken and wellington?
Ramsay: ...GET OUT!

Ramsay, assuming people don't notice missing mashed potatoes: Seriously?  Because no one's doing garnish he sends potato-less dishes out hoping no one will notice?  DUDE, THE PLATES ARE HALF EMPTY!  EVEN STEVIE WONDER WOULD FIGURE THAT OUT PRETTY F-ING QUICKLY, DUDE!!!

Finger Lickin' Ray: I laughed so hard here.  Ramsay asks him to taste the risotto and the dude sticks his whole hand in it.  Ramsay just blasts out "fingers!" and kicks him out of the kitchen.  Awesome.

Fingers!  Spoons everywhere!

Danielle, curious kitty: "Curiosity!  Show of hands!  How many people have worked in a true brigade before!"  May have well just asked "Curiosity!  Show of hands!  How many people think I'm an ass sniffer!"

Ramsay: "Zach, you gave it your all.  That's the kind of commitment I want to see."  Dude, seriously mad props to Zach tonight.  Dude showed up.

BUS COUNT: Two tonight, the second by Jeremy courtesy of Zach: "Zach threw me underneath the bus."  

So Sebastian went home.  I was surprised really.  I mean, I guess he didn't impress with his food, and the seafood corn dogs were like wtf.  But he did try to get back into the kitchen to help his team, so for that I have to give him props.  I guess if he actually had talent then he'd still be here but his food must have been that bad.

Good episode.  Best highlight of the next episode is Gina doing an impression of Nidra.  That.  Is.  AWESOME!

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 1 Recap

Season 11
Episode 1 Recap

Ladies and gentlemen...James Edward *cue applause*

Well, here we go.  Another glorious season of Hell's Kitchen is set to start.  I made it no mystery how much I detested HK last season and even all these months later I still regard it as the worst in HK history.  Think of one personality trait of runner-up Justin - go.  You can't, can you?  Cause he was boring, the season was boring and it was poorly put together.  

Most Contestants in HK history = most episodes in HK history.  Normally this would be a great thing but based on last season I'm skeptical.  

Gordon Ramsay, Douche?: Remember that South Park episode, The Biggest Douche in the Universe?  It features James Edward and every time he walks into a room he pushes a button that cues audience applause; I swear Ramsay just reenacted that with his entrance.  I mean seriously, what is this? 

Sous Chef James: WTF happened to Scott???  I mean, this guy is bald and all but WTF!  

Barret, Hell's Kitchen suck up: Getting the HK shaved into your head.  This guy will last about three episodes. 

Nedra: "Chef, can we pray before you bust our balls?"  Her one liners will probably take her inside the top 10.  There's always one. 

Sebastian, seafood psycho: Shrimp and salmon corn dogs?  Why not just a cod liver and ass paste soup?

Ray, "oldest" guy in HK history: Expect plenty of doubts from Ramsay of Ray's ability to carry on despite the fact that they're only a couple years apart. 

Gina, triggering flashbacks: She may be eliminated before the night's over.  There's always a 40-something chef eliminated on the first day.  Stay tuned. 

James, recreating cow vomit: "Seriously, did you throw up on that plate?"  He should have said he totally did. 

Mary the Butcher: Holy crap DON'T SPEAK!  WTF is wrong with your voice, dude???  What, is she a butcher of eardrums or something?  Holy crap.

Hell's Kitchen, Geographical Miscues?: I'm not 100% on this but I don't think Interstate 15, which is the main road from Vegas to LA, actually goes through Death Valley.  It goes through Mojave, but the Valley I think it's south of.  Of course naturally they're probably taking some small side road that goes halfway around the hemisphere before arriving in LA, so who knows. 

Why the heck is Celine Dion here?: Dude...what?  Of all the random celebrities they could feature they bust out Celine Dion.  Of course, last year they had Lee Dewyze and a season prior they had Sasha Vujabitch so I guess this is an improvement. 

Gina, puppet master: I repeat: she may be eliminated before the night's over.  According to Nedra, "the first person to go is definitely going to be this crazy bitch, Gina." 

Alfredo the Puppet: They actually blurred him for swearing.  Seriously:

So this is the kinda season it's gonna be.

So which douchebag producer actually thought this was funny?

Gina: "I'm feeling like an idiot."  As you should, Gina, as you should.

Aaaaand I called it.  Didn't I call it?  Clearly her multiple personalities are causing a little dizziness.

Medic: "Can you tell me your name?"  Gina should respond with Alfredo.

And the first TBC of the season.  But it's a two hour premiere so I'll let it slide this one time.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Birthday Binge

Greg's Gourmet celebrated a birthday this past weekend.  I thought it was funny that half of the birthday wishes on my Facebook page included some kind of request to eat myself sick.  Well, I did not eat myself sick but I did eat a lot of good food.


Leading off is a trip to the 94th Aero Squadron, situated beside Montgomery Field in Kearny Mesa.  I've written of this place before, most notably because one of the servers there, Kevin, is possibly the greatest of his kind in San Diego and possibly the world.  He MAKES going there an experience.  Unfortunately when that's someone's opinion of a restaurant then it's gonna be trouble if for some reason Kevin can not be our server.

Take Saturday night for example.  So as always, a reservation is made online.  My family and I usually go at 5 or 5:30 but this time we went at 6:30.  Big deal.  Also while making the reservation we always make a point of asking for Kevin to be our server.  So we arrive and are seated at 6:30, no big deal, though you could imagine how disappointed I was when a server came to our table who was not named Kevin despite seeing Kevin just as we walked in.  

***Just to preface, this rant is in no way a ding against the server, who will go unnamed, but rather an issue with how this restaurant is managed.

So we sit.  We wait.  20 minutes go by and we still haven't been given our water.  In typical Greg's Gourmet fashion, I sit there in anger looking like a baby who's about to CRAP himself just for spite.  Now, yes, the place was packed this evening including one party of, like, 30 people or something who are all probably shmucks because they were holding up everything.  

But what's most disturbing here is that all of the servers seemed extremely overwhelmed and the restaurant ran like it was extremely understaffed.  Having to wait 20 minutes without being given water is unacceptable.  What we were given, though, was a bottle of wine after ordering a couple glasses at no extra charge.  I'm pretty sure he saw me sitting there in an aura of radiated anger, so the wine was a nice touch.  And naturally I got a little tipsy so all seemed well after that.  Anyway, here's the dinner, a 10 oz prime rib:

The restaurant is also poorly lit, so without the flash you can't see anything but with the flash the creamed corn looks like chunky dog piss

The food was good, though we didn't get dessert cause, well, we've already waited so long.  It's disappointing though because this place should be way better than it is.  The food is good but not great.  Their reviews on Yelp indicate all kinds of common issues that management should be dealing with but for some reason doesn't.  They try to rectify the problems and I do give them credit, but there's something fundamentally wrong with this place if we're waiting 20 minutes for water.  Again, I don't blame the server as he did the best he could given the difficult circumstances he was working under.  But as Gordon Ramsay would say, "you run the kitchen, the kitchen doesn't run you...YOU DONKEY!!! NOW GET OUT!!!"


In-N-Out, it's what a hamburger's all about.  Straight and to the point:

Yeah, I really didn't put a lot of thought into photographing this one.  Besides, In-N-Out is all about the experience

3x3 and Animal Style Fries.  Beautiful.


Completing the Trifecta, a trip, of course, to the Great Plaza Buffet.  Ironically we had to wait like 5 minutes for our beverages to come which is unheard of here.  I don't know what it is with restaurants and beverages this weekend, jeez. 

Plate 1: Steak, fake potatoes, and garlic bread

Plate 2: Pizza, chicken wing, pork rib, more fake mashed potatoes

Plate 3: Transition Plate of four chickens, Mongolian beef, white rice, and a salad

Plate 4: Dessert  Hopper Plate with Jello, strawberries, bananas, honeydew melon, cantaloupe, one grape, and a sludge of different puddings

Plate 5: Dessert with too much stuff I couldn't finish

So there you have it; the Birthday Trifecta Eating Binge.  A terrific birthday indeed.  Yeah, I have my qualms of the Squadron but I got my steak, I'm with people I love, and it's a good time.

Thanks for reading.  Hell's Kitchen tomorrow!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Hell's Kitchen Returns!

I didn't listen to a single thing Greg complained about last season


If this season is anything like last then you can expect plenty of To Be Continued's, a ridiculous amount of petty arguing, and toothless hillbillies trying to form words as they try to down a plateful of lamb testicles.

As much as I trashed last season, I'm still looking forward to its return.  Yeah, I'm a hypocrite, deal with it.