HELL'S KITCHEN
Episode I
While HK continues to provide entertainment through people being horribly degraded, it just doesn't feel the same as it once did. The reality is that HK peaked in season 5 when long-haired dude Danny won in a pool of really talented chefs. Ever since then I feel like it's been going downhill with obvious producer influence of story lines and heavy editing manipulation of what's really going on. While it's no surprise that reality shows are made on the cutting floor, I feel that some of the things that go on in HK these days are the equivalent of trolls trying to annoy people on the Internets.
So we've got 18 contestants this season which probably means you're gonna see a lot of double-eliminations. You've got a barrage of scrawny white guys who all look, sound, and talk alike, you've got the really smart fat guy, the douche who says men are better in the kitchen than women, the fat angry chick, the ditzy blonde, the super short person, and, of course, the one black guy. The signature dish challenge, which used to be one of the redeeming parts of the season premiere, is just a joke now with the show blasting through it in a few minutes. There was a time where they would give each individual about 30 seconds while Ramsay tried their dish and subsequently spit it out 95% of the time. I guess the producers told him to lighten up cause he actually enjoys half of them now. Boring.
Then of course we can't continue on without some sort of sexual innuendo. The chicks were talking about how a scallop is supposed to feel like a dick tip or something and then one of them calls out for Justin (one of the identical scrawny white guys who all look, sound, and talk alike). Quick random cut to Justin sitting in the dorm since, you know, he obviously HEARD THEM AND NOW WE'VE GOT A SEXUAL SCANDAL ON OUR HANDS!!!! Seriously, give me a break. Another editing crapcake example came when Ramsay was quizzing one of the blonde chicks on the menu and the blonde chick couldn't remember. Quick cut to Ramsay angrily saying "COME ON!"...while looking at the other side of the room. This is just the kind of crappy editing that goes on where they try to insert conflict that isn't really there. While that happens a lot in reality shows, it's just gotten so piss poor here that's it's like the show has dumbed itself down.
Naturally you can't have a season premiere without having a few people get kicked out of the kitchen. It was three tonight - the black dude, the super short person, and one of the scrawny white guys who all look, sound, and talk alike. The black dude got the chop first. Not really a surprise cause his performance was terrible, but Ramsay seems to always have it out for any kind of executive chef in the competition. By the way - the term "thrown under the bus" is so F-ING ANNOYING!!! SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THE DAMN BUS!!!! I swear, it's like it's mandatory for every contestant to say that someone threw them under the bus at least once per episode. COME UP WITH A NEW DAMN PHRASE YOU ASSHOLES!!!
Oh, and the whole "The person leaving Hell's Kitchen is................Royce................BACK IN LINE!" Okay guys, that worked in the first few seasons. 125 or so episodes later it's just predictable. The promo for the next episode shows that Royce, one of the scrawny white guys who all look, sound, and talk alike, with a bloody nose and implying that he got hit. In reality he probably walked into a door. The promos for this show always say that the next episode is going to be the most controversial or the most violent or that someone gets abducted by aliens or some shit. Whatever.
I'll always watch this show cause it's just so fun. I can't stand the editing and I'll continue to complain, but how can you not enjoy a guy screaming his ass off over food? It's like the definition of this website!
MASTERCHEF
Episode I
Ugh. I watched most of this last season but got really, really bored at times. So much of the show focuses simply on people's reactions. It's very slowly paced and Joe Bastianich sets off the Douche Alarm in every episode. In these early episodes it's just the "auditions" where the contestants have 5 minutes to cook something for the three judges - Ramsay again, Graham Norton, and Douche Alarm. Here's a mini script of how the judging process for each contestant goes.
Graham: I say yes.
*10 seconds pass*
Douche Alarm: I say no.
*10 seconds pass*
Ramsay: Uhhhh....I say....
*20 seconds of intense buildup*
*Commercial*
*Return to show*
Graham: I say yes.
*3 seconds pass*
Douche Alarm: I say no.
*3 seconds pass*
Ramsay: Uhhhhh....I say....
*15 seconds of intense buildup*
Ramsay: Yes.
Contestant: OMGGGGGERZZZZZZZZZZ
Ugh. So. Damn. Slow. I'll try to keep up with this show because I like the challenges but damn it speed this up.
