Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Hell's Kitchen/MasterChef Recap - Episode 4

Episode IV

"I'm already on my 5th testicle, guys"

Oh Roshni, why, why, WHY?!?!  She must be incredibly smart because that's the only reason I can think of that Ramsay's keeping her around.  He's now switching up the teams so this is pretty much her last chance to show what she's got.  Occasionally when someone is traded they shine on the other team, but usually they become the whipping boy/girl just as quickly.  She also had a good signature dish so maybe that's why he's keeping her around. 

By the way - that's the second straight time Ramsay has said "are you in over your head?" It's funny in a mean sort of way cause she's like two feet tall.

It was kinda funny to see how both kitchens just crumbled during dinner service.  Food that was obviously sprouting blood, completely raw, and even a situation where two blue chefs were working on bass at the same time.  Communication, guys.  Pretty basic. It always shocks me when they fail to communicate in the kitchen cause then you get these scenarios where generic white guy #1 and generic white guy #2 are both cooking the same dish. 

And I take it back - Roshni is not the most uninspired cook to walk into HK - Brian, AKA generic white guy #3, is.  "I am a great chef and I am going to fight back." Yeah, really convincing, Brian.  Maybe do a battle gurgle while you're at it to show you really mean business. If you were to give me a lineup of the 18 contestants, I wouldn't be able to pick this guy out.  Same with Justin.  Two really boring guys with no personality and both got kicked out of the kitchen. What else is new?

Kimmie ate 5 lamb testicles.  In other news, 10+10=20.

Hearing Danielle talk trash is like a roasted chicken giving you the finger before you're about to eat it.  Listening to her try to act all tough was just painful.  She's this really petite girl with this soft voice going like "IMMA MESS YOU UP, BITCH!...if you don't stop messing with me."  It's just so adorable. 

Not that much of a surprise that Don went home.  He didn't seem like that much of a contender from the beginning.

Episode IV

Joe Bastianich has set off the Douche Alarm a record 7 billion times so far this season

This is why I don't like this show; it's just one douchie thing right after another. Where other cooking shows are about finding talent, this one is primarily about embarrassing people.  Let's start from the top:

Ryan - holy crap. "I'm really not surprised that my plate was one of the top dishes.  These other cooks are gonna have to step up their game if they wanna compete with me." Ugh, get the toilet paper out of your mouth, moron. The only thing that can offset such a scumbag such as yourself was what happened next:

"Congratulations, your three dishes stood out.  You managed to cook what we think are the WORST three dishes of this Mystery Box Challenge." It was so funny seeing Ryan's stupid ugly grin just disappear after Ramsay said that. But that also just adds another layer to the cake of douchebaggery that this show represents: the three worst dishes?  Seriously?  And then the thugging begins where the judges go down their list of pre-written insults to bash in the contestants with.  I mean, give me a break.  What is this garbage?  I love seeing people get humiliated on television as much as anyone, but this is just embarrassing.  I actually feel bad for the contestants up there.  These are the 18 best HAND-PICKED by these three judges who are now getting spit on in front of their peers and the country. 

I could care less what they said to Ryan.  But this sweet Samantha girl comes up and Graham Cracker, who doesn't come off as a mean guy at all but is just reading whatever script of insults the producer gave him, comes out with "Leaning Tower of Dryness."  Yeah, clever. But they just grill these people.  It's disgusting. "Over creative?" asks Douche Alarm. "DELUSIONAL!" Yeah, shut up.  Then Ryan goes off again "I just wanna say I'm definitely not ready to go home and the hero of this dish was the duck of the two dishes was better executed by me and I'm a stupid douche with a girly voice and no friends waaaaah."  I really do feel bad that Samantha left.  She seriously looked crushed.  See, on Hell's Kitchen, Gordon Ramsay is an equal opportunist.  He yells and berates everyone.  But here?  If you're targeted then they just bully you into submission and it's not even Ramsay that bugs me.  It's Douchebag Joe and Graham Cracker.  It all just seems so phonie baloney. 

Elimination Test - ok, so Douche Alarm Joe goes off again with Helene's dish.  I will say she didn't present herself well by going the cute route, what with making a MasterChef trophy out of the dough.  If you're gonna do that then your food better be top notch and hers wasn't.  But he was really firing on all cylinders today.  Just the way he tries to intimidate people.  I realize there needs to be a mean judge but I seriously wonder if this is just an act.  You look up pics of him online and he's smiling in a lot of them.  Kind of a creepy smile, yes, but he's still smiling.  On TV he's just a jerk. 

Anyway, Dave went home.  I don't know anything about him but whatever.  This show is just...stupid.