Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Hell's Kitchen/MasterChef Recap - Episode 5

Episode V

An all-you-can-eat double cheeseburger buffet? LET'S DO THIS!


Seriously, what is this nonsense?  This isn't like deciding who's getting a black jacket or who's going to the finale or a fight that's about to break out.  No - this is the 5th episode with 3 virtually random chefs that for some reason warrants a "to be continued" for no other reason than to get you to tune in the following night.  Maybe their ratings are failing, who knows?  But between Pouty Lips, Van Halen, and Guy (Guy is an awesome enough name that it doesn't need a nickname), what's so intense and amazing here that it deserves a "to be continued"?  Granted, between those 3 I really don't know who the weakest is.  Probably Pouty Lips.

So, a Mexican themed challenge.  Cool.  Balls flying everywhere with ingredients.  Cool.  You knew what was gonna happen next.

Said Generic White Guy #3 Brian: "I knew there were a few specific balls I needed to get my hands on."  I'm sure there were, Brian.  He continued: "And I just grabbed whatever balls were in front of me" with a grin.  Sadly, that grin was the first indication through any of these first 5 episodes that Brian may actually have a personality.

Once again continues Brian: "I'm about simplicity and sex."  I can tell you're about one of those things, Brian, and it's not sex. I think simplicity may even be a little flattering for you.

Ok, so Psycho Bitch Tiffany is now Alcoholic Bitch Tiffany.  Cool.  What's funny is that during that whole argument, no one bothered to ask Kimmie "I'm on my 5th testicle, guys" where she even heard this tortilla gossip.  Wouldn't that be common sense?

I love it when Ramsay goes on sprees to kick everyone out of the kitchen. Roshni lasted through the entire service.  Pretty impressive.  Brian is still boring.

I like how Ramsay makes a big deal out of Van Halen being the oldest in the kitchen even though Ramsay is actually a year older.

So now we have to wait until tonight to see this big mystery of who goes home.  Maybe no one will.  Who knows?  Pretty lame cliffhanger, though.

Episode V

The MasterChef producers want Joe Bastianich to star in a new series, All is Quiet on the Douchern Front

I don't know why everyone hates this David guy.  I mean, yeah, I can see that maybe he's got those annoying tendencies but he doesn't come off like the kind of jerk they're painting him as.  Then of course I'm willing to acknowledge that Joe Bastianich isn't as much of a douche as the producers paint him as, so you never really know.

On a side note, following MasterChef on the news they had some behind-the-scenes footage of the Marine challenge which was shot at Camp Pendleton (San Diego County).  And you know what?  In Joe's footage he actually came off as a cool guy. I'd be interested to see more of this behind the scenes stuff.

Anyway, thick pork chops and a gajillion potatoes were a risky move, but it paid off in the end.  Yeah, probably not a good idea to serve an Italian lunch to the Marines, Frank.  It may have been good food, but it's hard to top barbecue pork and potatoes. 

You wanna know who the real douche is?  Ryan.  This is a guy who I kinda just wanna dunk his head into a vat of dogcrap to be honest with you. "If ever there was a time to flash a nip, ladies."  Dude, seriously? And the thing is, he did it with that creepy little smile like he actually thought he was being smooth or something.  And then when they trash him he's about to cry like "I'm just kidding waaaaaaaaah."  What an idiot. 

Pressure test - ok, guys.  If you're trying to win a game and someone gives you a free pass from elimination, guess what?  YOU TAKE IT!  YOU STUPID IDIOTS!  What is this nonsense?  YOU WERE GIVEN A FREE PASS!  Lucky for Scott, Michael had a complete meltdown.  Holy crap.

I think everyone is rooting for Christine since she's the underdog, but her downfall will be when it comes to presentation.  There's no doubt she probably has the best pallet of the bunch and I'd love to try some of her food, but you saw how frazzled she got cause she couldn't see how the pastry was cooking. She'll be around for a few more episodes.

Michael leaving wasn't that surprising.  First Joe completely thugged him in the team challenge and then his pie looked like regurgitated dog vomit. Tough break.