Thursday, February 2, 2012

Jared From Subway is a Lame Spokesperson

Let me just start by saying that I do enjoy Subway.  I think it's convenient, tasty, and the company tries really, really hard to promote a positive aura in all of their stores.  However, one thing that I can't stand about Subway is their marketing, which all starts with Jared Farking Fogle.

If you were to have a season of Survivor featuring the spokespersons for all of the fast food chains, who do you think would be the first to be voted off?  JARED FOGLE.

If all of the fast food spokespersons were running for the GOP presidential nomination, who would be the first to drop out due to lack of primary delegates?  JARED FOGLE. 

Who would be the guy to replace Sammy Hagar as lead singer of Van Halen and ultimately plunge them into a more than decade long hiatus?  JARED FOGLE.

If seven eight nine, then who ate all three?  JARED FOGLE.

Who would be the player on the Championship Dallas Mavericks squad that would come in behind Brian Cardinal?  JARED FOGLE.

Who would be the boxer that Floyd Mayweather would fight instead of Manny Pacquiao and ultimately lead to disappointing everyone again?  MIGUEL COTTO.  JARED FOGLE. 

The thing about Jared is...he just doesn't come off as cool, and Subway's marketing isn't doing him any favors either.  Case in point with this commercial that I listed in Food Commercials That I Hate Volume 2:

It's hard to point out the lamest thing about this commercial, but I'd say the cake goes to the part where "Mrs. Jared Fogle" says "How about something new for dinner?  Something romantic!  Like French!"  to which he responds "OOOOOOOH AND LOW FAT!!!!!!"  That sound you just heard is me smacking my head on my desk.  Look, guys say a lot of stupid things to get a woman's attention.  That's just what we do.  But how painfully lame do you have to be to say "OOOOH AND LOW FAT!!!!!!" when your hot wife says she wants something romantic?  


Oh, here's another terrible commercial:

Did anyone notice that he just walked out without paying?  Who does this guy think he is?  Newt Gingrich?

Here's one I don't understand at all.  This commercial is celebrating Jared's 10 Year Milestone...whatever that is...but he doesn't even appear here.  Watch:

What's the point of having a commercial that commemorates someone without actually featuring said person? See, Jared is just...not cool.  Jack is a businessman.  Ronald McDonald makes kids happy.  Dave Thomas was a G.  Papa John is a baller.  The King is a creeper who wakes up in bed with people.  What exactly is Jared?

Okay, let me be serious for a second, cause this is something that's bugged me for a long time.  The issue I take with Subway's marketing, other than Jared, is sometimes it just doesn't make a lot of sense.  First of all, the promotions.  They have waaaaaay too many promotions.  You go to McDonald's and the prices are pretty much set in stone.  You go to Subway and the prices today will be different than the prices from yesterday because of some promo they're running.  This month every footlong is five dollars.  Thankfully that's an easy promo to remember.  But in the past they've had these sales where certain footlongs were reduced at certain hours on certain days but you had to buy something else to get that sale.  It was ridiculous.  Maybe they're simplifying things, I dunno.

I kinda think they should adjust their prices for something more permanent.  Promos are good, but too many can be bad.  Look at Jones Soda.  For those who don't know, Jones is a quirky Canadian soda company that earned a cult following in the early-to-mid 2000s before fading into oblivion.  I was at the front of marketing them in the Bay Area and Sacramento before the direction of the company turned me off...and ultimately I think I was getting tired of soda at that point.  But anyway, Jones would launch this thing every November called Turkey & Gravy Soda.  It was an Internet sensation and would sell out in 10 minutes upon its announcement.  It was so huge that they started launching accompanying flavors in one big Holiday Pack.  The Packs would include the Turkey Soda, Mashed Potato Soda, Green Bean Casserole Soda, Fruitcake Soda, and Cranberry Soda.  And a utensil (straw).

Those early Holiday Packs were huge, too.  I tried so hard to get one when they were released but they sold out.  My folks wound up getting me one for my birthday off eBay and it was so freaking cool!!!  I brought the flavors to school and let people do taste tests.  It was awesome.  Jones was awesome.  They were on top.  But then these special flavors started appearing at every single holiday.  Halloween you'd see stuff like Candy Corn Soda.  Valentines Day would bring a fruity flavor with a romantic name.  Election Day would bring Sodas with names based off of candidates.  Basically every month there was some "limited edition" soda pack being released.  It just defeated the novelty of Jones which is pretty much what they marketed themselves on. Other more important factors ultimately led to Jones' decline, but the ridiculous amount of promotions, at least in my opinion, damaged their reputation as a novelty/specialty drink.

So you see what I'm saying?  Too many promotions can overwhelm your customer base.  Granted, Subway doesn't make peanut butter and vacuum lint sandwiches so they're not in as shallow waters as Jones, but I just think they should try to integrate all of these big promotions to somehow maybe reduce their prices?  Permanently?  I'm planning to do a post about Jones soon.  I've got a lot of great pictures and stories.  I always look back at Jones with warm thoughts.

Anyway, back to Jared.  He's not just the Subway Guy, but he's also the Pornography Guy.  In college he was known for his extensive collection of porn.  I don't even need to make a wisecrack about that.  To Jared's credit, he does inspire a lot of people to improve their eating habits, and I tip my hat to him for that.  He talks, he lectures, he encourages.  I respect that very much.  But when it comes to attempting to be cool in commercials...ehhhhhh.

But really, I do like Subway.  It's nice to hear "Welcome to Subway" upon walking in.  It's nice that the employees are trained to be least most of the time.  And the advantage that Subway has over the burger establishments is that you can have a sandwich any number of ways.  Burgers are burgers.  Meat and bun.  Not that there's anything wrong with that mind you, but I really admire Subway's extensive menu.  Subways are also clean.  I like that.  Here's an Italian BMT I picked up from the Subway in Carlsbad today:

I'm guessing Jared didn't typically order a sandwich with salami, pepperoni, ham, cheese, and mayo.  I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

Thanks for reading!