Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Food Commercials That I Hate - Volume 1

We all love pictures of food.  We also love moving pictures of food.  That's why I'm introducing a new feature to Greg's Gourmet which will (dis)honor the best and worst food/drink commercials out there.  Each installment will include the video (assuming it's online) as well as why this particular commercial is totally awesome like the dream-level logic used in Inception or stinks worse than the Pittsburgh Pirates' soon-to-be streak of 784 consecutive losing seasons.

Let's dive into it!  

Coors Light - Bar Exam

I can't stand this commercial for so many reasons.  See how many horrible things in this commercial you can spot and then compare them to my list:

Okay, first thing's first: Do you really need something to tell you that your beer is cold?  Are your hands so frost bitten that when you touch the bottle your sensory receptors are completely unresponsive to the temperature?  Heineken did a commercial which poked fun at this with the line "there's no special window to discover whether or not it's cold.  You have hands!"

Next thing that's horrible about this commercial: At the end the girl asks "so you're a lawyer?" to which the dude responds "Huh?  No!"  Okay, so let's figure out this guy's home life for a second.  He's obviously been lying to his hot girlfriend since she thinks he's studying to become a lawyer, which is a load of baloney covered in bratwurst.  You can tell by the girl's home (whether or not they live together is irrelevant for this case) that she's got some money and probably has a decent job which means she's probably PAYING for this jerk's "law school".

 The question is, since this jerk is obviously lying to everyone, where's that money going to?  It's not going to school.  It's not going to women since he had the perfect opportunity to pick up that girl at the end.  Clearly this guy has a drug habit since he's lying every which way he can, he's stealing money, and he's barely able to tell the difference between "cold" and "super cold".

This dude is a mess.  He's confused, he's anxious, he's exhibiting all kinds of deceptive behavior.  Get this guy some help.

Horrible, horrible commercial.

Burger King - Wake Up With the King

I've ranted about the King before and, seriously, what's going on in this commercial?  Imagine that you wake up and some guy dressed in a plastic mask and royal robes is laying next to you.  Then the guy in the plastic mask and royal robes gives you a sandwich.  What would a normal person do in this situation?  Yes, definitely fall ill with Stockholm Syndrome, gleefully eat the sandwich, then pal around with the guy in the plastic mask and royal robes like you're old buddies.  Horrible, horrible commercial.

Taco Bell - Quad Steak

This commercial began airing earlier this year and I have such disdain for it because it aired at every single commercial break on every single channel.  There was no escaping it.  I have such malice for this commercial that I actually hum the tune because it subliminally slipped into my subconscious.  That's how bad it is:

The first thing I can't stand about this commercial, other than it being ridiculously annoying, is that Taco Bell is going up against fine dining.  Look, I don't like spending thirty bucks for a steak the size of a jelly bean either but there's a reason it's called "fine dining" and why the other is called "fast food".  Also, freeze it at 9 seconds.  What in the name of Trent Lott is that orange gooey mush in the girl's bowl?  It looks like they served her a bowl of chewed up baby food in decroded oatmeal or something.  What is that???  Dude's got a tiny steak and the girl's got the House Special that's normally served at Mos Eisley to the Star Wars Cantina Band.   

Horrible, horrible commercial.

If there's a food/drink commercial out there you can't stand and want to suggest it, let me know the brand and/or restaurant, year of airing, and a video link if you can find it and it may be featured here.

Thanks for reading!