Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Top 10 Ways to Keep Your Resolution

I thought it would be fun to do a post with pictures of presidential candidates and food, but there were far too many pictures of nominees shoving corn dogs down their throats, so I figure that ship has sailed.

Instead I want to discuss everyone's favorite New Year's Resolution: Getting into shape.  It's probably the most common resolution and easily the first one that's abandoned a week into the New Year.  So this doesn't happen to readers of Greg's Gourmet, I want to provide a few tips.  This is also so you don't wind up like this guy:

People frequently ask me "Greg, I see all the crap you post on your page and I wonder to myself 'how come you're not a total fatass?'  Maybe it all goes to your head.  That would explain a lot."  Well, smartass, if you look at the FAQ section of the site you'd find your answer.  But since you're too busy being a smartass I'll explain it here, smartass.  I've been going to the gym religiously for over two years now.  The funny thing is I began my regular workouts on New Years 2010, but it was more of a coincidence than a resolution.  My goal, to be blunt, was to bulk up.  I've always been a twig and I wanted to add some meat to them bones.  My personal challenge was that it was hard for me to build up muscle since I didn't have much body fat.  But I kept at it and the gym has become an addiction for me.  It's not just about shaping your body, but workouts also release energy, calm nerves, and reduce any stress and anger you may be feeling.  If your goal is to get in shape for the New Year, here's some advice from what I've observed and experienced in my two years as a gym rat:

1) Be proud and have confidence.  When you first walk into a gym and see a bunch of really fit, muscular people it can be intimidating.  The reality, however, is that they don't care about you.  They care about themselves.  That's why they're there.  That's why you're there.  There's a guy who recently started going to the gym who, no lie, I think is gravely afraid of being in the same room as me for more than 60 seconds.  Comes in, sees I'm there, does a quick exercise, and bails for the pool.  Like clockwork.

2) Have patience to reprogram yourself.  Look, you're probably going to hate working out in the early going.  Or you'll really enjoy it for a short period of time and then get really bored.  That's pretty routine.  There's a lot of room for failure when "getting back into shape" because it's seriously not easy.  I'm not saying this as someone who shed a ton of weight, but as someone who made the gym part of my daily routine.  It took a long time to finally reprogram my mind to actually enjoy going to the gym up to seven times a week.

3) Set reasonable goals.  Using the blanket statement "I plan to shed all this weight and strut around in a thong" isn't the most realistic of goals.  Yes, it's good to aim toward that, but in the early going, I think, you should aim to simply see some results.  Once you see how your hard work has begun to pay off, suddenly it'll be easier to keep working out on a semi-regular basis.

4) For the love of Rick Santorum not breaking down in tears in one of these GOP debates - PLEASE COVER YOURSELF.  I can't stand this anymore - cover your skin, cover your ass crack, cover everything from within an inch of your kneecap to your shoulders.

5) And holy crap, don't work out in your bathing suit.  Some 80 year old dude walked in today wearing ridiculously short trunks and his balls were flapping all over the place.  I am not joking.  Another time a dude worked out in a Speedo.  You know what vomit tastes like, bro?  I was tasting it over and over every minute you were there.  I've contracted athlete's foot a few times from this gym.  I'm kind of scared of what other parasitic abnormalities may be crawling around there.

6) Don't immediately invest in expensive clothes and gear.  Give yourself time to get into a routine and make sure it's something you can stick to.  Last year this girl came every day for the first week of January.  She was about 17 or 18 and was wearing all these brand new exercise clothes, new athletic shoes, the works.  She hasn't been in the gym since.  I've seen her around, so I'm guessing she just said screw it.

7) If somebody says hello, say hello back.  Maybe people at my gym are just really shy.  Or just jerks.  Or both.  There are a few people I have friendly exchanges with, but others simply ignore my greetings or will respond with a really weak "...hi..." like they're afraid I'm going to beat them up or something.

8) Watch what you eat.  The best complement to a steady workout routine is a good diet.  Now, I'll be the first to tell you that I have no idea what the hell calories are or how many you should have in a day.  I don't understand sodium, fat is a mystery, and protein?  I thought protein was supposed to be good for you but evidently too much of it is bad?  I'm not telling you to count the numbers of stuff you eat, but be aware that injecting Starbucks into your daily routine does add up.  Things that you may not consider really bad can still have elements that, when taken in excess, can be a pain in the ass, such as the sugar content in orange juice.

9)  Keep at it.  That's pretty much the best advice and it's common sense.  If you want to get into shape, you gotta keep working at it.

10) Don't be like this:

Toning and strength have been my biggest accomplishments.  I'm not the biggest guy in the world but I may possibly be the strongest.  So to my friends and readers looking to get back in shape, I wish you good luck.  But whatever you do...don't be like Jared.  If you turn into Jared then you may as well stop reading this blog.

In other news, I'd like to share a few pictures submitted to Greg's Gourmet by Creative Distribution Specialist Caroline!:

A turkey shaped dip made from mixing cream cheese and salsa.  Reportedly is "delish"

I wish this was like one of the GOP debates.  Instead of listening to the candidates bicker back and forth you can just eat them and end it all

According to CDS Caroline, once the kids saw them, they practically dive bombed the table.  As she puts it, "once the kids saw them, they practically dive bombed the table!"  The above are made from Oreos, peanut butter cups, Whoppers, and candy corn.

Caroline has also made things a little challenging for me, because her Facebook page is littered with all kinds of gnarley delicacies, including an arsenal of cakes.  Unfortunately her page is like an AM/PM and there's too much good stuff, so I'm having trouble picking something to share.  I'll just go with this one for now:

A fondant cake.  I don't know what that is but it includes chocolate butter cream icing so it must be good

And a quick shoutout to one of the best candies ever:

It's like a presidential debate - they have their different appearances but in the end they're all the same

Dots are pretty much the perfect candy.  Different distinct flavors, filling, and delicious.  When I was a kid and my dad and I would go to the movies, I'd always get Dots and orange soda.  Good times.

Thanks for reading!