Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 1 Recap

Season 11
Episode 1 Recap

Ladies and gentlemen...James Edward *cue applause*

Well, here we go.  Another glorious season of Hell's Kitchen is set to start.  I made it no mystery how much I detested HK last season and even all these months later I still regard it as the worst in HK history.  Think of one personality trait of runner-up Justin - go.  You can't, can you?  Cause he was boring, the season was boring and it was poorly put together.  

Most Contestants in HK history = most episodes in HK history.  Normally this would be a great thing but based on last season I'm skeptical.  

Gordon Ramsay, Douche?: Remember that South Park episode, The Biggest Douche in the Universe?  It features James Edward and every time he walks into a room he pushes a button that cues audience applause; I swear Ramsay just reenacted that with his entrance.  I mean seriously, what is this? 

Sous Chef James: WTF happened to Scott???  I mean, this guy is bald and all but WTF!  

Barret, Hell's Kitchen suck up: Getting the HK shaved into your head.  This guy will last about three episodes. 

Nedra: "Chef, can we pray before you bust our balls?"  Her one liners will probably take her inside the top 10.  There's always one. 

Sebastian, seafood psycho: Shrimp and salmon corn dogs?  Why not just a cod liver and ass paste soup?

Ray, "oldest" guy in HK history: Expect plenty of doubts from Ramsay of Ray's ability to carry on despite the fact that they're only a couple years apart. 

Gina, triggering flashbacks: She may be eliminated before the night's over.  There's always a 40-something chef eliminated on the first day.  Stay tuned. 

James, recreating cow vomit: "Seriously, did you throw up on that plate?"  He should have said he totally did. 

Mary the Butcher: Holy crap DON'T SPEAK!  WTF is wrong with your voice, dude???  What, is she a butcher of eardrums or something?  Holy crap.

Hell's Kitchen, Geographical Miscues?: I'm not 100% on this but I don't think Interstate 15, which is the main road from Vegas to LA, actually goes through Death Valley.  It goes through Mojave, but the Valley I think it's south of.  Of course naturally they're probably taking some small side road that goes halfway around the hemisphere before arriving in LA, so who knows. 

Why the heck is Celine Dion here?: Dude...what?  Of all the random celebrities they could feature they bust out Celine Dion.  Of course, last year they had Lee Dewyze and a season prior they had Sasha Vujabitch so I guess this is an improvement. 

Gina, puppet master: I repeat: she may be eliminated before the night's over.  According to Nedra, "the first person to go is definitely going to be this crazy bitch, Gina." 

Alfredo the Puppet: They actually blurred him for swearing.  Seriously:

So this is the kinda season it's gonna be.

So which douchebag producer actually thought this was funny?

Gina: "I'm feeling like an idiot."  As you should, Gina, as you should.

Aaaaand I called it.  Didn't I call it?  Clearly her multiple personalities are causing a little dizziness.

Medic: "Can you tell me your name?"  Gina should respond with Alfredo.

And the first TBC of the season.  But it's a two hour premiere so I'll let it slide this one time.