If you were fortunate to spend most of your childhood in one house in one neighborhood then chances are that every Halloween you had an idea of which houses gave out the good stuff and which gave out crap. At Highlands Park, people were generally pretty good about what they passed out, but every so often you'd cross some party pooper who would hand out something so weird, so bizarre, or so amazingly awful that it would leave a sour taste in your mouth that no sweet candy could fix. So, let's get into it - the worst things I've ever received for Halloween, circa ages 7-14:
1. E.Y.C. DEMO TAPE
I never thought there'd be another cover out there funnier than the demo tape one, but this is pretty close...
EYC, or Express Yourself Clearly, was a boy band pop group thing whose final album was released around the time we received the demo tape (1999). The lady had a stack of these things, so I'm guessing she was an agent or something and they had just broken up so she was trying to get rid of them. She also gave out a bunch of good candy so I'm not dinging her in any way. But man, I was with a couple friends and we just stood there for a minute to inspect what the hell the lady gave us and immediately cracked up.
When we got back home we played the tape and couldn't stop laughing. The songs were bad, the lyrics were terrible, and the cover art was goofy. As Rolf Geezen said, "This guy is a crossdresser, this guy is crazy, and this guy is a girl" (hey, we were 13). I've linked the album on Amazon a few times so you can listen to these masterpieces. The songs on the demo tape were "Baby Be There", "Are You Ready", "Time To Party", and I think "I Feel It" was the fourth.
2. PENNIES
Every Halloween you get at least one house that gives out change of some sort. Usually it's quarters, which is more acceptable because a quarter can still get you a piece of candy in most candy shops. But PENNIES???? Brad Penny?? Miss Moneypenny???? There's A SALE AT PENNEYS???
Look, if we were three years old then I could understand this but handing out pennies to kids of all ages? Unacceptable. What's even more galling is that the specific house I'm thinking of probably spent a small fortune to completely decorate their house and purchase costumes. Seriously, their house was one of the best, if not the best, decorated in the neighborhood. I guess they then relay the "savings" onto the "customers", right?
3. PENCILS
"You can do your math homework with them!" says the person who happily passes them out. Being given something to do my math homework with on Halloween is like hearing Jared from Subway using health food to pick up hot women - it makes me want to vomit.
4. A GLASS OF WATER
A glass of water to be exact. There was a house in the neighborhood that would give you a glass of water to drink when you came around. We purposely avoided this house.
5. TOOTH BRUSH
Yeah, cause we're little hyper kids going around getting all this candy and we're gonna need to clean our teeth hur hur hur, oh what clever sarcasm! The above toothbrushes actually look like royalty compared to the ones this house passed out. I'm talking about those single use brushes like my orthodontist would buy by the billion and have them in this bowl in the brushing area of the office. And they're always really ugly colors, too. I just think handing out toothbrushes on Halloween, a day where it's acceptable to eat large quantities of candy, is like a slap in the face to sugar fanatics everywhere.
Had a lot of good times with those Halloweens despite the defecation of tooth brushes and the tunes of EYC. But hey, that's what makes Halloween fun!
And happy birthday again to Bone Crusher! And many more!
Thanks for reading!
