The Greatest Mashed Potatoes in the Universe

Let me break it down for you: my mashed potatoes are the best in the world and quite possibly the universe. That's not arrogance that's just honesty. The truth is that mashed potatoes in general are made with flaws because to get the perfect creamy texture you have to actually put some work into them that a lot of restaurants don't want to spend time on. As a result you get a lump of white gunk on your plate with chunks of whole potato in them, no seasoning, and generally looking like a microwaved pile of regurgitated French fries.

My friends, I'm gonna let you in on the greatest cooking tip that you could ever want. I'm gonna show you what I did with my recent Thanksgiving potatoes that turned out ***SPOILER ALERT*** perfectly. Dudes, if you can master the art of mashed potatoes then you will be idolized more than Gordon Ramsay's short temper or Joe Bastianich's sleek bald head. True, potatoes are a side dish but they go with EVERYTHING. That's what makes them so damn important and why YOU need to master the art of mashing potatoes. So, let us begin:

***NOTE***I'm experimenting with picture sizes, so I've slightly adjusted the page's dimensions to cater to larger pictures. If something seems off on your screen then please let me know.

Boiling the potatoes usually makes people anxious because they don't know if you'll be able to pull off such a large amount of awesome just an hour before dinner

So I boiled about 15-20 potatoes for dinner and there was some anxiety as to how the hell I'd be able to pull off boiling, peeling, and mashing such a huge amount of potatoes just an hour before dinner. But alas, a kitchen crusader such as myself shows no fear in the midst of culinary challenges. These potatoes are like cadets at boot camp; I'm gonna mash 'em, smash 'em, and grind 'em down into the best damn potatoes they can be. Boiling can take a while so be sure to fill your pot with enough water so it's covering every potato and COVER IT so the heat doesn't go anywhere. Takes 20-30 minutes.

My troops, my soldiers, MY MINIONS!!!

As the waters boil and you eclipse 20 minutes of the submerged potatoes, start periodically poking them with a fork. If your fork slides through like a knife through butter then they're ready. 

I'm so badass that I peel hot potatoes by hand

Peeling potatoes with a girly peeler takes forever, so I suggest you try to be as manly as I am and peel the potatoes with your hands. Yes, it's gonna burn as hot potatoes tend to demonstrate, but run them under cool water and do it quickly. You'll save yourself tons of time at the expense of a couple second degree hand burns. And don't dump the skins down your sink cause that'll just clog stuff up.

Exhibit 1: commence mashing

Exhibit 1: The beginning of the mashing process. I recommend regularly working out during the year so your arms are totally ripped when it comes time to mash these bad boys, otherwise you'll look like a weakling if you begin to struggle. Remember: it's better to over-mash than it is to under-mash. 

Exhibit 2: taking on a shape

Exhibit 2: As you mash your potatoes down to a white fluff, begin adding your butter and milk. I actually used a butter substitute that wasn't as high in fat but you can use whatever. I used about 1.5-2 cups of 2% milk that was microwaved for about 40 seconds to give it a lukewarm temperature. Keep in mind that butter will give the potatoes texture while the milk will take it away so it's important to mix in a little bit of both at the same time. 

Exhibit 3: the five seasons

Exhibit 3: As you mix in your milk and butter you'll notice your potatoes beginning to take on more of a face. Now you can start mixing in your seasonings to give your potatoes the ultimate flavor experience. 

Exhibit 4, the near end product

Exhibit 4: Almost complete. At this point I have mixed in salt and pepper (don't be shy about using pepper; it gets absorbed and gives the potatoes a kick), as well as smoked paprika and the real stars of the dish: onion powder and garlic powder. These two worked in tandem to give these potatoes a massive amount of flavor that would have made Flava Flav frickin' jealous.

Exhibit 5: The Greatest Mashed Potatoes in the Universe

Exhibit 5: And here we are, plated in a beautiful bowl, topped with smoked paprika for a little color, and with plenty left in the pot for leftovers. And believe me: they were needed. I was wise to make so many. 

To recap, here are some rules that we learned:

1) Make sure the water covers all of the potatoes and don't pull them until you can easily slide your fork through the skin

2) Peel them by hand. Don't be a baby

3) Add a little butter and milk bit by bit. Adding too much of one could ruin your texture

4) You want your potatoes to have ZEST so use fun seasonings

5) For the love of Donald Trump's toupee: TASTE, TASTE, TASTE!

Feel free to experiment but the reality is you're not gonna find any potatoes better than mine. It's a craft and an art that few have been able to master since the beginning of time. You can't just boil and mash potatoes; you've gotta go through a process and nurture them into the final excellent product that you know they can be. I hope this was a fun read and you didn't stop too many times other than to perhaps take some notes.

Happy holidays! 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving - you know I did! :)

Greek Corner Cafe

Happy Halloween everyone!

Instead of an arsenal of candy, here's a picture of a large plate of food featuring a Louisville Slugger-sized slab of steak:

Just like Inception, this steak is on a layer of rice which is on a layer of pita bread and salad

You know how people throw pies at people? I think they should throw plates of food like this instead. Minus the skewers of course. Very tasty combo dish from the Greek Corner Cafe which has restored my faith in Greek food. Up until now my experience of Greek gourmet has largely been based on the mediocre chain Daphne's and the even more mediocre Athena in Pacific Beach which, for some reason, everyone seems to love. I mean, the staff there doesn't even know how to pronounce gyro. The menu at the GCC actually takes the time to give you the pronunciation. 

Anyway, it's a charming little spot. Good to sit outside with your dog. Nice menu, prompt service. I like. 

Happy Halloween! 

Pepperidge Farm Pumpkin Cheesecake Cookies

A new seasonal delight is making the rounds that I finally got to try yesterday. Pepperidge Farm's Pumpkin Cheesecake cookies have been making waves, but when I opened the bag I got a different kind of tidal wave of destruction:

Smashing Pumpkins

The cookies themselves are just alright but the presentation could use some work. 

Panera Dread

Do people really like Panera Bread? Like, really? Seriously? I had it for the first time a few weeks ago. My sister brought it in, so this experience is based solely on the food. She got me a turkey & bacon sandwich. Pretty simple, right? Well, here's a graphic that will demonstrate the magic of photography and prose the question as to who the hell actually eats sandwiches like these?

Believe it or not, these are supposed to be the same sandwiches

Those pieces of romaine lettuce are the same size as the frickin' pickle that came in the bag. I mean...REALLY??? And notice that there's still MORE lettuce on the sandwich even WITHOUT the garnish of the two nuclear torpedoes. I'm gonna go ahead and take a wild guess that their model sandwich wasn't made with romaine. 

I looked on Instagram and it seems kinda back-and-forth as to whether Panera Bread regularly uses romaine on their sandwiches. Some had it, some didn't. But to me this is absolutely disgusting. I'd rather eat fried mushrooms than this romaine crap. I sent the graphic to Panera on Facebook and Twitter and much to my surprise they actually did respond that the sandwich wasn't made properly. Maybe only one piece of a Paul Bunyan romaine head is supposed to make it onto each sandwich. We'll see what they say. 

It's Not Domestic Violence, It's DiGiorno!

Congratulations to DiGiorno for becoming the newest case study that will be discussed about in marketing classes for years to come. And congratulations for generally just being complete jerks in the middle of a serious discussion about domestic violence. Really, that's a level of prickery that not even the most seasoned trolls could dream of attaining.

The big news in the sports world was the "surfacing" of the video of Ray Rice beating the crap out of his then fiance, which was finally enough inspiration for the Baltimore Ravens to cut him and for the NFL to suspend him indefinitely. I find it highly unlikely that neither the NFL nor the Ravens had previously seen this video, so I'm sure more will come out about the kind of scumbags who are calling the shots. But this is a food blog, not a football blog.

In the wake of the Ray Rice video, two phrases were trending on Twitter: #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft, Both served as an outlet for discussion of victims of domestic violence. Women worldwide were participating, were supporting each other, were forming as one...and then the little 12 year old dillweed who manages DiGiorno's Twitter chimed in with this: #WhyIStayed You had pizza.

Needless to say, there was a massive outrage aimed right at DiGiorno and the Tweet was immediately deleted. That was two days ago. Their stream has been very quiet since then with the exception of two BS apologies that if you do a little research on you could probably find out the joker who was managing this page knew exactly what he was doing:

A million apologies. Did not read what the hashtag was about before posting.

— DiGiorno Pizza (@DiGiornoPizza) September 9, 2014

Let me break it down for you here: a lot of corporations do not yet understand the critical importance of social media and a solid digital marketing strategy and for a second I actually believed them about not reading the hashtag beforehand. But then I looked at their stream from the previous several days and found that they are EXTREMELY active on Twitter and their page looks like it's run by some idiot 12 year old. A technologically savvy 12 year old, but an idiot nevertheless. This guy knew EXACTLY what he was doing when he posted that Tweet. It's possible the above apology was written by someone else in the company, but the "You had pizza" Tweet was posted because the hashtags were trending. A day later they posted this next apology:

We heard from many of you, and we know we disappointed you. We understand, and we apologize to everyone for this mistake.

— DiGiorno Pizza (@DiGiornoPizza) September 9, 2014

This one seems more accepting of their mistake and acknowledging that they did something really, really stupid but it doesn't forgive that a major brand like this just made themselves look like a giant ass in the crack. These are the only two Tweets they've had in the last 48 hours since the blowup. I'm guessing the social media manager, who is likely Mr. DiGiorno's son, got his ass fired and rightfully so. What's shocking is the majority of the company's tweets are WRITTEN IN CAPS LIKE THIS HAHAHAHAHA AND JUST LOOK REALLY IMMATURE HAHAHAHA. I mean, I'm all for a certain tone and humor with social media but keep it professional. My guess is the company has no clue what digital marketing is all about and were doing Mr. DiGiorno a favor.

If I were Mr. DiGiorno, here's what I would do for damage control: make several sizable donations to groups for victims of domestic violence, donate a surplus of your products to women and children's shelters including Baltimore since that's where Ray Rice played, and then hire me as your social media manager and I'll make sure you get everything back on track. This company needs to learn2internet. 

Don't fight or lie to the Internets, it just doesn't work. My guess is the company will come out with some kind of damage control in the next day or so and then you're gonna see a whole new voice on their Twitter. 

Steak N' Eggs

Quickie food update here. Went to Watson Drugs & Soda Fountain in Orange the other day and got a dish I enjoyed several months earlier, the steak n' eggs:

The lighting was weird so I couldn't really see that the picture was off-center

The first time I had this it was really, really good. This time? Eh. The steak was overcooked and dry and the potatoes taste like they came right out of the freezer. I ate it all of course but it was just eh. Another random thought for those who appreciate good punctuation: I always refer to this place as Watsons but I have no idea if it's "Watsons" or "Watson's". I go to their website and what's the first thing I see? "Welcome to Watsons Drug & Soda Fountain. Watson's reminds us of the best of our past and gives us something to take with us into the future." To confuse matters even more, the seal simply says Watson. I really have no idea how to properly spell this out so I'll just use its formal name.

Happy eating.