MasterChef Recap Episode 8

MASTERCHEF

Episode 8

Tanya pulling steak out of her ass

Whoa, obviously no product placement going on here at all with the Walmart steaks. 

"I'm confident how my meat looks and I pulled it out of my ass."  Um...that's nice, Tanya.  I'll be sure not to try any of your cooking in the future. But damn - that ass steak got her into first place.  Nice reproductive system regardless of whatever you're splashing on your cooking station there.

So - three desserts and Tanya gets to assign each cook to a dessert - 4 cooks for each dish.  Christine got the strawberry shortcake which, on paper, seems like the easiest but that's the trap that a lot of cooks would fall into.  Christine has already proven she can rise to tough challenges so I'm not surprised that she got the simple dish, in theory.  The worst cook for each dish will make up the bottom three.  

It looks like everyone had trouble with each dish to be honest with you. When Felix brought her Tiramisu up there I thought she was gonna drown herself in her tears.  And it's not like the judges were being that mean.  Gotta develop a little more of a backbone if you're gonna be on a game show.  As Ramsay said in the last episode of HK, "It's a competition you silly cow!"

Funny exchange with David Martinez:

Ramsay: The whole idea of Tiramisu means pick me up.  You just put me down.  Great shame.

David: This is the first time I've ever made Tiramisu.

Joe: That's pretty apparent.  What's all this watery stuff around here?

David: I believe I over-soaked my ladyfingers.

Joe: Looks kinda gross.

David: I apologize for that.

Joe: Based on what I'm tasting I wish I could send you and Felix home because this is really, really off target.

Christine's was good of course, though one of the key ingredients of a strawberry shortcake is supposed to be STRAWBERRIES!!!!

Tali's actually looked pretty good.  I guess without Ryan around he doesn't have to divert all of his energy to being a creepy douchebag.

Speaking of douchebag, Douche Alarm Joe was going off with great frequency today.  Can't say it wasn't uncalled for though since some of these dishes really didn't look that good. 

Ok, guys - Gordon Ramsay needs to stop surrounding himself with yes men because it's more than obvious that his decisions are the only ones that matter.  "Felix, say goodbye...to Scott."  Come on, really?  It's not even surprising anymore because we expect one of those "twists" in every episode, not just with MasterChef but it happens in virtually every HK episode.  Ridiculous.

Scott's shortcake did look pretty rough.  He didn't really do much in the competition to warrant staying so it's not that much of a surprise. 

Hell's Kitchen Recap Episode 8

HELL'S KITCHEN

Episode 8

I would have much rather enjoyed looking at this picture of season 9's very attractive Elizabeth rather than watch last night's episode

This actually wasn't a horrible episode.  Much better than the crap they had been serving us the past few days.  Also seeing Roshni stand up for herself at the end was nice to see, as we finally saw someone with a little personality.  Get it?  Little. LOOOOOOOOL yeah.

Justin says "I'm crossing my fingers and hoping we don't make ourselves look like idiots."  Wow.  Quite a challenge you've given yourself there, Justin.

They subtitled Sugar Ray Leonard as the "Author of 'The Big Fight'"?  Really?

Why does it always seem like Robyn is on caffeine?  Every time she's on screen she's bouncing off walls and screaming at the top of her lungs.  Jeez, calm down.

Brian says "I've trained for this. I'm ready!" Trained for failure I don't think was in the curriculum, Brian.  Ugh. Then he does some moves in front of Sugar Ray.  Ugh.

Psycho Bitch Tiffany puts knives in her mouth and then cuts meat with them.  Hence the name Psycho Bitch Tiffany.

I've always wondered something. Don't these chefs, like, even touch their food before bringing it up to the pass?  You should know almost immediately if your beef wellington is raw.  Or your piece of lobster.  The meat is exposed so there's no excuse to serve something stone cold.  Or as Guy mentioned last night to be politically correct, "they weren't cold.  They were warm."

Did anyone catch Clemenza pulling a Curly?  "Whoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoa wait a minute!" ahahahaha

I'm surprised Roshni lasted as long as she did. It was nice to see her stand up for herself at the end there, but she really had no chance to win this.  I also found the humor in Ramsay telling her to keep her head high.  Just sayin'.

MasterChef Recap Episode 7

Note: Hell's Kitchen and MasterChef recaps are now in separate posts.  Click here for tonight's Hell's Kitchen recap.  Also check our Facebook!

MASTERCHEF

Episode 7

The "Flavor Elevator" must be stuck between floors because it's clearly not going anywhere

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I'm enjoying this show WAY more than HK.  It's funny cause in my early reviews of the season I was trashing MasterChef but praising HK and they've both switched places.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.  I love seeing Ryan get totally trashed.  First Christine picks him as the last member of her team which was sweet justice and then she TRADES his ass.  The look on his face was priceless.  Seeing him and Tali picked last isn't that much of a surprise considering that last week I went on an extensive case study on how they're both massive douchebags, but I digress - Christine is completely steamrolling the competition right now.  

Blue team deserved to lose.  With quality control that bad and a 60/40 vote differential it's not so much a competition as it is a massacre. 

Monti is really hot and her attitude is even hotter.  Seeing the way she sticks up for herself.  It's irresistible.

I like how each judge saved a contestant from the pressure test.  IMO it keeps the better chefs around and gives the judges less of an excuse to eliminate someone prematurely.  I also think they were spot on with Ryan and Tali because, naturally, they're douchebags. 

"The person who's safe....Josh...it's not you."  Ah, a classic Gordon Ramsay switcheroo.  But in all seriousness, there's no way the captain of the losing team should be safe, almost by default.  Frank was in a similar situation a few episodes back where he was the captain of the losing team but was given the option to save one of his teammates.  He performed well but did the noble thing and saved someone else, even saying as the losing captain he didn't deserve to be saved from that challenge.  Translation: Josh is a douche.  Maybe.  We'll see.  They've actually barely featured him up until this episode so we don't know much about him. 

I like how Ryan called David an "infectious negative energy in the kitchen."  So what does that make you, Ryan?  If David is an infectious energy then you must be gonorrhea. 

You ever notice how Gordon Ramsay doesn't say "hello" to anyone?  He just goes up to them, says "Right", and then goes into his schtick. 

Ryan and Tali as the Dream Team?  More like the Third-Layer-of-a-Dream-and-Stuck-in-Limbo-Like-in-Inception Team. 

I like how Ramsay asks for one of them to act on integrity and to be noble.  That's like giving Congress a check for a billion dollars and asking them to use it wisely. 

Flavor Elevator.  If Ryan is an elevator then he must be jammed somewhere in the shaft cause he's obviously not going anywhere.

Tali is pretty much bottom of the barrel now.  I mean, with "diarrhea on a plate", it's kinda hard to be anywhere but last in the competitoin.

Good episode I thought.  Ryan is gone but it seems like there's some more conflict brewing between other contestants and, unlike HK this year, these people actually seem interesting.  This could actually get intense.  

"How am I still here?"

Hell's Kitchen Recap Episode 7

HELL'S KITCHEN

Episode 7

"Another 'To be continued?' GET OUT!!!!"

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but we're seriously in the midst of the worst season of Hell's Kitchen ever. I can't believe how painfully bored I am watching this half-assed attempt at a kitchen soap opera.  I'm hoping it turns around and we get some of the magic and intensity of past seasons but I'm not holding my breath.  The problem is there aren't any front runners nor are there any donkeys.  There's little parity in the competition which could be a good thing, but no one has any personality either.  Brian and Justin are the same f-ing person.  I don't mean to sound so cynical but this is just awful.  I mean, am I wrong?  This is one of the few shows I've gone out of my way to watch over the years and I've been really let down thus far. But Ramsay's rants are still hysterical.

Anyway, onto the episode:

First of all, did anybody really believe that Clemenza would be sent home for his scallops mishap at that exact moment?  The only shocking thing about this episode was the inclusion of one of the lamest cliffhangers in HK history, right there next to the "to be continued" of the Pouty Lips-Van Halen-Guy elimination round.  Plus if you looked closely in the promos from last week, you can see Clemenza in the kitchen, so nice fail, editors.

I'm convinced that the producers have half-naked women strutting around the restaurant because they also realize how lame of a season this has been so far.

I'm also convinced that they're including these fashion geeks as a way to create more conflict.  Personally I just wanna punch that blonde jerk right in his Playdough-shaped nose, but I digress.

"No way I'm going to let him go down. I'm jumping on." - Wow, Brian. You're such a warrior.

Robyn: She runs out of beef so she asks someone else to ask the Blue Team for more? Dude, ASK THEM YOURSELF!  Don't send Psycho Bitch Tiffany to clean up your mess.  Not cool.

"It's a competition, you silly cow!"  Best insult ever?  I wish someone had told this to the Oklahoma City Thunder during the NBA Finals.

I'd take Sous Chef Andy over any of those models any day.  Dana, too.

I like how the editors built up all this crap between Robyn and Kimmie only to bring them back as best friends later that same day, thus clinching the fact that this season is short on conflict.

"I gave him a little spanking."  I'm sure you did, Royce, and I'm sure you enjoyed it.

Whoa, Brian!  Don't hit that punching bag too hard, it might drain all of your personality.

Wow.  Took 7 minutes to nominate Guy.  Seriously?

Needless to say, this wasn't "one of the most shocking episodes in Hell's Kitchen history" as hinted at the beginning of the episode.  I like to see Clemenza fighting and I'm glad he stayed.  I still think he can go far.  Seeing Guy leave is a bit of a disappointment, but the problem with all the parity is that if you don't stand out then you won't go far and that's what happened with him.

Overall a snoozefest.

Ruby's Is Just Alright With Me

Sorry for the lack of food pictures lately.  Haven't really been trying many new places lately.  But here's some stuff for ya - Bacon-Swiss burger from Ruby's Diner:

Joe Ordinary

Ruby's is one of those places that's usually solid if not a little underwhelming.  I mean, their food is good...but it's nothing to go ape-poop over.  Maybe I should have gotten a shake.  I had one of their strawberry shakes once and it was really good.  Also, their double burgers?  The patties are smaller than the ones they use for the singles.  What kind of a crock is that?

And here's an egg salad sandwich from the Mt. Soledad Market & Deli with some kind of novelty Ruffles that tastes the same as every other bag on the shelf:

Oh hi, non-photogenic potato chips

The quasi-interesting thing about the Mt. Soledad Market is that every month or so their Ruffles selection changes with some sort of new outlandish flavor.  The above chips are flavored as "Baked Potato".  There was another new flavor that was "BLT".  Yes, chips flavored as a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.  It's almost like the Joker is employed over there at the Ruffles factory and is just making chips out of whatever he has for lunch on that particular day. And the thing is - they all taste the same.  They all taste like barbecue, with the exception of those cheeseburger flavored chips.  Those were just nasty.  Or maybe it was something else, I don't really remember. 

And, well, since we're on the topic of weird, here's a sandwich I made recently:

Oh hi, bright colors

So what we have here is a sliced turkey sandwich topped with summer sausage and three types of cheese (Havarti, Gouda, and mild cheddar).  And then there's the fruit and those cheese puffs which are really frickin' addicting.  A filling sandwich to say the least.  I'm not sure all of the flavors go together in traditional cooking, but I'm not a traditional person. 

Hell's Kitchen/MasterChef Recap - Episode 6

*How about coming on over to the new Greg's Gourmet Facebook page and showing some love? We'd appreciate it! =D*

HELL'S KITCHEN

Episode 6

"I'm sorry for all of the 'to be continueds'.  Please give me another chance."

UP YOURS, HELL'S KITCHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  TAKE YOUR TO BE CONTINUED AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR PITCHFORKED ASS!!!!

Ok, so here's what's going down - Fox probably wants HK to air for the entire summer, so to do this they brought on an HK record 18 contestants.  In theory that's 18 episodes and 18 weeks, not taking into consideration multiple eliminations.  However, in an unfortunate twist, Fox managed to bring together 18 of the most boring people imaginable and have created the dullest atmosphere in HK history.  This show is 100% editing.  There's no conflict.  I mean, all of tonight they were trying to play up this Kimmie-Robyn rivalry.  Is this even interesting?  Hell no.  It's boring.  This is why you need an Elise, a Sabrina, a Raj.  You need characters, regardless of their cooking abilities, to make the show interesting.  No one this season is interesting and, hence, you have what's going down as the worst season of HK.  

The last two episodes have been dragged out with absolutely no drama or conflict.  Horrible.  Here's what went down prior to Fox deciding to leave a flaming bag of dogshit on our doorsteps:

Pouty Lips going home isn't that much of a surprise and, to absolutely no one's surprise, the "to be continued" nonsense was absolute baloney.  Holy crap that must have been the worst "to be continued" since Gordon Ramsay first revealed that he was British. 

Kimmie is sneaky?  In what intergalactic universe is Kimmie classified as sneaky?  She yells, she fights, and she calls everyone a bitch.  She's about as sneaky someone from Jersey Shore trying to rob a library. 

"Hopefully they'll want to talk to us and cuddle..."  Brian, I assure you that none of those hot models want to cuddle with you, just in case you were thinking otherwise. 

Fashion people freak me out.  They look like a bunch of animated mannequins. "I can't have anything unhealthy." Wtf???  Would you like a plate of tofu-substituted steak, too? 

"This is not very visually appealing!" NEITHER ARE YOU, LADY!!!

"This is a lot of food for an appetizer, I feel." Holy crap, have you ever eaten?  Like, ever?  These fashion people are such goofballs.  These are probably the same people who try to make it attractive for women to weigh 90 pounds.  Bite me. Don't listen to any of these jokers.  If I was cooking this evening I'd put a double bacon cheeseburger right in their ugly faces.

"I have a very personal connection to Italy and Spain." Yeah, sure you do, lady. Puking up your lunch in a gas station in Little Italy doesn't mean you have a very personal connection with it. 

Piss off, HK.  How can Gordon Ramsay do this to us?  HE'S THE FRICKIN' EXECUTIVE PRODUCER! BOGUS!!!!

MASTERCHEF

Episode 6

"Why make trillions when we could make...billions?"

Ryan seriously is a douche.  Not just any kind of douche, but a really, really creepy one.  Giving live crab to the blind girl - strategic move or jerk move?  Well, it is strategic and Christine is the competition, but just the fact it's Ryan and he does come off as the equivalent of a rotten pile of dirty diapers kinda makes it seem like a jerk move.  Needless to say, Christine turned out an awesome dish and the judges even called Ryan out on his douchebaggery.  Maybe I was wrong and plate presentation won't be her downfall.  She really knows what she's doing. From being picked last to number 1 while defeating the bad guy.  Great to see.

Back to Ryan: Trying to "hook up" his pal Tali with live crab.  Pssh.  You know what?  Tali looks like a creep, too!  Any goofball who regularly wears that kind of hat wherever they go just screams douche. 

They remind me of these guys from South Park:

Monti is hot and her self-defensive attitude is just whoa. Nice. 

Said Ryan: "Now I have to start taking out the rest of these douchebags."  That's great, Ryan, that you're so motivated to remove yourself from the competition.  

Helene went home.  She had it rough for a few rounds so I'm not too surprised.

Hell's Kitchen/MasterChef Recap - Episode 5

HELL'S KITCHEN

Episode V

An all-you-can-eat double cheeseburger buffet? LET'S DO THIS!

Oooh to be continued!  OOOOOOOOOH!  WHAT A CLIFFHANGER, FOX!!! YOU REALLY GOT US THERE!

Seriously, what is this nonsense?  This isn't like deciding who's getting a black jacket or who's going to the finale or a fight that's about to break out.  No - this is the 5th episode with 3 virtually random chefs that for some reason warrants a "to be continued" for no other reason than to get you to tune in the following night.  Maybe their ratings are failing, who knows?  But between Pouty Lips, Van Halen, and Guy (Guy is an awesome enough name that it doesn't need a nickname), what's so intense and amazing here that it deserves a "to be continued"?  Granted, between those 3 I really don't know who the weakest is.  Probably Pouty Lips.

So, a Mexican themed challenge.  Cool.  Balls flying everywhere with ingredients.  Cool.  You knew what was gonna happen next.

Said Generic White Guy #3 Brian: "I knew there were a few specific balls I needed to get my hands on."  I'm sure there were, Brian.  He continued: "And I just grabbed whatever balls were in front of me" with a grin.  Sadly, that grin was the first indication through any of these first 5 episodes that Brian may actually have a personality.

Once again continues Brian: "I'm about simplicity and sex."  I can tell you're about one of those things, Brian, and it's not sex. I think simplicity may even be a little flattering for you.

Ok, so Psycho Bitch Tiffany is now Alcoholic Bitch Tiffany.  Cool.  What's funny is that during that whole argument, no one bothered to ask Kimmie "I'm on my 5th testicle, guys" where she even heard this tortilla gossip.  Wouldn't that be common sense?

I love it when Ramsay goes on sprees to kick everyone out of the kitchen. Roshni lasted through the entire service.  Pretty impressive.  Brian is still boring.

I like how Ramsay makes a big deal out of Van Halen being the oldest in the kitchen even though Ramsay is actually a year older.

So now we have to wait until tonight to see this big mystery of who goes home.  Maybe no one will.  Who knows?  Pretty lame cliffhanger, though.

MASTERCHEF

Episode V

The MasterChef producers want Joe Bastianich to star in a new series, All is Quiet on the Douchern Front

I don't know why everyone hates this David guy.  I mean, yeah, I can see that maybe he's got those annoying tendencies but he doesn't come off like the kind of jerk they're painting him as.  Then of course I'm willing to acknowledge that Joe Bastianich isn't as much of a douche as the producers paint him as, so you never really know.

On a side note, following MasterChef on the news they had some behind-the-scenes footage of the Marine challenge which was shot at Camp Pendleton (San Diego County).  And you know what?  In Joe's footage he actually came off as a cool guy. I'd be interested to see more of this behind the scenes stuff.

Anyway, thick pork chops and a gajillion potatoes were a risky move, but it paid off in the end.  Yeah, probably not a good idea to serve an Italian lunch to the Marines, Frank.  It may have been good food, but it's hard to top barbecue pork and potatoes. 

You wanna know who the real douche is?  Ryan.  This is a guy who I kinda just wanna dunk his head into a vat of dogcrap to be honest with you. "If ever there was a time to flash a nip, ladies."  Dude, seriously? And the thing is, he did it with that creepy little smile like he actually thought he was being smooth or something.  And then when they trash him he's about to cry like "I'm just kidding waaaaaaaaah."  What an idiot. 

Pressure test - ok, guys.  If you're trying to win a game and someone gives you a free pass from elimination, guess what?  YOU TAKE IT!  YOU STUPID IDIOTS!  What is this nonsense?  YOU WERE GIVEN A FREE PASS!  Lucky for Scott, Michael had a complete meltdown.  Holy crap.

I think everyone is rooting for Christine since she's the underdog, but her downfall will be when it comes to presentation.  There's no doubt she probably has the best pallet of the bunch and I'd love to try some of her food, but you saw how frazzled she got cause she couldn't see how the pastry was cooking. She'll be around for a few more episodes.

Michael leaving wasn't that surprising.  First Joe completely thugged him in the team challenge and then his pie looked like regurgitated dog vomit. Tough break.

Hell's Kitchen/MasterChef Recap - Episode 4

HELL'S KITCHEN

Episode IV

"I'm already on my 5th testicle, guys"

Oh Roshni, why, why, WHY?!?!  She must be incredibly smart because that's the only reason I can think of that Ramsay's keeping her around.  He's now switching up the teams so this is pretty much her last chance to show what she's got.  Occasionally when someone is traded they shine on the other team, but usually they become the whipping boy/girl just as quickly.  She also had a good signature dish so maybe that's why he's keeping her around. 

By the way - that's the second straight time Ramsay has said "are you in over your head?" It's funny in a mean sort of way cause she's like two feet tall.

It was kinda funny to see how both kitchens just crumbled during dinner service.  Food that was obviously sprouting blood, completely raw, and even a situation where two blue chefs were working on bass at the same time.  Communication, guys.  Pretty basic. It always shocks me when they fail to communicate in the kitchen cause then you get these scenarios where generic white guy #1 and generic white guy #2 are both cooking the same dish. 

And I take it back - Roshni is not the most uninspired cook to walk into HK - Brian, AKA generic white guy #3, is.  "I am a great chef and I am going to fight back." Yeah, really convincing, Brian.  Maybe do a battle gurgle while you're at it to show you really mean business. If you were to give me a lineup of the 18 contestants, I wouldn't be able to pick this guy out.  Same with Justin.  Two really boring guys with no personality and both got kicked out of the kitchen. What else is new?

Kimmie ate 5 lamb testicles.  In other news, 10+10=20.

Hearing Danielle talk trash is like a roasted chicken giving you the finger before you're about to eat it.  Listening to her try to act all tough was just painful.  She's this really petite girl with this soft voice going like "IMMA MESS YOU UP, BITCH!...if you don't stop messing with me."  It's just so adorable. 

Not that much of a surprise that Don went home.  He didn't seem like that much of a contender from the beginning.

MASTERCHEF

Episode IV

Joe Bastianich has set off the Douche Alarm a record 7 billion times so far this season

This is why I don't like this show; it's just one douchie thing right after another. Where other cooking shows are about finding talent, this one is primarily about embarrassing people.  Let's start from the top:

Ryan - holy crap. "I'm really not surprised that my plate was one of the top dishes.  These other cooks are gonna have to step up their game if they wanna compete with me." Ugh, get the toilet paper out of your mouth, moron. The only thing that can offset such a scumbag such as yourself was what happened next:

"Congratulations, your three dishes stood out.  You managed to cook what we think are the WORST three dishes of this Mystery Box Challenge." It was so funny seeing Ryan's stupid ugly grin just disappear after Ramsay said that. But that also just adds another layer to the cake of douchebaggery that this show represents: the three worst dishes?  Seriously?  And then the thugging begins where the judges go down their list of pre-written insults to bash in the contestants with.  I mean, give me a break.  What is this garbage?  I love seeing people get humiliated on television as much as anyone, but this is just embarrassing.  I actually feel bad for the contestants up there.  These are the 18 best HAND-PICKED by these three judges who are now getting spit on in front of their peers and the country. 

I could care less what they said to Ryan.  But this sweet Samantha girl comes up and Graham Cracker, who doesn't come off as a mean guy at all but is just reading whatever script of insults the producer gave him, comes out with "Leaning Tower of Dryness."  Yeah, clever. But they just grill these people.  It's disgusting. "Over creative?" asks Douche Alarm. "DELUSIONAL!" Yeah, shut up.  Then Ryan goes off again "I just wanna say I'm definitely not ready to go home and the hero of this dish was the duck of the two dishes was better executed by me and I'm a stupid douche with a girly voice and no friends waaaaah."  I really do feel bad that Samantha left.  She seriously looked crushed.  See, on Hell's Kitchen, Gordon Ramsay is an equal opportunist.  He yells and berates everyone.  But here?  If you're targeted then they just bully you into submission and it's not even Ramsay that bugs me.  It's Douchebag Joe and Graham Cracker.  It all just seems so phonie baloney. 

Elimination Test - ok, so Douche Alarm Joe goes off again with Helene's dish.  I will say she didn't present herself well by going the cute route, what with making a MasterChef trophy out of the dough.  If you're gonna do that then your food better be top notch and hers wasn't.  But he was really firing on all cylinders today.  Just the way he tries to intimidate people.  I realize there needs to be a mean judge but I seriously wonder if this is just an act.  You look up pics of him online and he's smiling in a lot of them.  Kind of a creepy smile, yes, but he's still smiling.  On TV he's just a jerk. 

Anyway, Dave went home.  I don't know anything about him but whatever.  This show is just...stupid.  

Hell's Kitchen/MasterChef Recap - Episode 3

HELL'S KITCHEN

Episode III

"It's RAAAAAAAAW!"

Gordon Ramsay WHAT THE HELL!?  Eliminating the hot blonde chick this early in the game?  The hell's the matter with you?!  And you keep ROSHNI?? ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!  Dude, Roshni looks like the most uninspired person to ever walk into HK and I swear she's about to burst into tears at any given second.  And Barbie?  She'll probably stick around a few more episodes at the least.  She says all the right things and works hard.  But Briana?  Why'd you get rid of her over Roshni?  Terrible.

"I'm not leaving before Chef Ramsay say it's my time." - Barbie.  Well no shit, Barbie. Why else would you leave before Chef Ramsay says it's your time?  Unless you accidentally chop your finger off like the Fox marketing guys want you to think happens to Guy in the next episode.

Royce just comes off as a goofball.  He doesn't come off like a douche or a tough guy or even a really nice guy, but just a goofball.  I'm not sure what to make of this.

I've often wondered what happens to the food they waste on this show.  Those Wellingtons that Clemenza kept screwing up looked really, really good regardless if the meat was still alive. I'd seriously love to be right up there in the kitchen eating whatever doesn't go out.  On a side note, I've never actually had a Wellington but they look delicious.

I think Patrick and Christina are my early favorites for the finals. They seem to have their act together both with cooking and presenting themselves well.

Other than that this was a pretty typical episode.

MASTERCHEF

Episode III

The first challenge last year was slicing apples.  If your slices were too imperfect then you went home.  Some people sliced for a few minutes. Some had to slice for over an hour.  It galls me that such a stupid stunt would be pulled.  Someone could be slicing apples for 60 minutes and they go home based on the slices their newly-diagnosed carpal-tunneled hand cut up at that second, whereas another chef made it through based off the slices they cut during the first 60 seconds.  I wonder which slices would be better?  It was total bullshit. 

Blah blah blah.

I'm rooting for Christine, the blind girl. 

Bacon Slamburger

This was an interesting experiment.  I was in the mood for breakfast and a burger and it just so happens that Denny's is 10 steps ahead of me:

It's breakfast on a bun!

Interesting concept.  The first few bites were fine but halfway through you start to realize that this combination isn't really working.  It's a novelty burger is all.  Kinda like the peanut butter burger; okay for a few bites, then you realize you're eating a burger with peanut butter on it.  The thing that bugged me is that I wanted an over easy egg but instead got over hard.  That kinda ruined it.  Over easy would have let the yolk drip all over the place and create a big delicious mess.  Over hard is just boring. 

Next time I'll just stick with breakfast. 

More Crap

I wouldn't buy these if they were paying me to take them.  No wonder these things are on clearance. So frickin' disgusting. 

Hell's Kitchen/MasterChef Recap - Episode II

HELL'S KITCHEN

Episode II

"Blueberry?!"

"Do you have any idea how stupid you look?"

"YES CHEF!"

Ahahahaha. Dude, what the hell is up with that Tiffany chick?  Holy shit, calm down. I swear this girl has multiple personalities or something.  In the dorms she just went off in some angry hillbilly gibberish that I could barely understand.  And then Kimmie, as it turns out, is straight out of Compton or something.  What a revelation.  

So Royce has a big target on his head now in addition to his scalloping bruise.  The thing is - the earlier in the show that you're put up for elimination, the worse chance you have of making it far in the game.  The reason is that you're now marked; by default you're gonna be one of the two team nominations when Ramsay asks for a consensus.  It happens every season when someone screws up regardless of how minor it is.  It could be something as simple as cooking a dish wrong to getting into a spat with someone.  Whatever the reason, once you go up for the first time that early in the game, you better get comfortable going up there after every losing service.

This doesn't necessarily mean that Royce is done.  While your luck with getting nominated every week does hurt, there have been several contestants over the years that have made it far while having targets on their backs.  Last year Elise got nominated 7 times and finished in third. Sabrina the season before was nominated 4 times and in the first 6 episodes and finished sixth overall.  Even season 4 winner Christina got nominated a few times early on in her run for the win.  So you never really know. 

Oh, how about that Robyn?  "She's only here for herself!"  Well duh you stupid dork.  No, she's here for string cheese.  OF COURSE SHE'S HERE FOR HERSELF JUST LIKE YOU'RE HERE FOR YOURSELF!  MORON!!!!

Dude, how about those scallops at dinner service?  How many hundreds of shelled fish did they waste tonight?  Not that I'm big on shell fish but someone must be and that's what's important.  Or something.

I don't think that was really a scallop shake.  Somehow I think drinking a blended creation of cold scallops would render more outrageous reactions.  But that's just me.

Oh, Psycho Bitch Tiffany used "under the bus" during service.  Mandatory Mention. 

The chopping block was kind of a surprise. I was pretty sure Roshni was gone since it looks like she's about to cry at any given second, but instead it was Chris, one of the identical scrawny white guys who all look, sound, and talk alike. However to no one's surprise it was another "The person leaving Hell's Kitchen is.........Barbie...............BACK IN LINE!" WHOA THAT WAS SO SHOCKING IT'S LIKE I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE ON THIS SHOW.

By the way, has anyone else noticed that some of this year's contestants look like past contestants?  Psycho Bitch Tiffany looks kinda like Maria from season 7.  Barbie reminds me of Julia from season 4.  All of the scrawny white guys who all look, sound, and talk alike remind me of Gabe from season 2 or Scott from season 7.  

Can't wait to see Psycho Bitch Tiffany explode next week!

MASTERCHEF

Episode II

I switched to election coverage during a commercial and found myself more amused with finding funny words that sound like Kleefisch.  Then I looked up Rebecca Kleefisch and was amazed at how hot she is.  That was pretty much the highlight of this episode.

Hell's Kitchen/MasterChef Recap - Week I

HELL'S KITCHEN

Episode I

One of the only shows I go out of my way to see new episodes of returned this evening with its 10th season premiere.  Hell's Kitchen has provided high-octane entertainment since it first aired in 2005 with Gordon Ramsay keeping his editors hard at work by bleeping out his numerous profanity filled tirades.  Profanity and food - two of my favorite things.

While HK continues to provide entertainment through people being horribly degraded, it just doesn't feel the same as it once did.  The reality is that HK peaked in season 5 when long-haired dude Danny won in a pool of really talented chefs. Ever since then I feel like it's been going downhill with obvious producer influence of story lines and heavy editing manipulation of what's really going on.  While it's no surprise that reality shows are made on the cutting floor, I feel that some of the things that go on in HK these days are the equivalent of trolls trying to annoy people on the Internets.

So we've got 18 contestants this season which probably means you're gonna see a lot of double-eliminations.  You've got a barrage of scrawny white guys who all look, sound, and talk alike, you've got the really smart fat guy, the douche who says men are better in the kitchen than women, the fat angry chick, the ditzy blonde, the super short person, and, of course, the one black guy.  The signature dish challenge, which used to be one of the redeeming parts of the season premiere, is just a joke now with the show blasting through it in a few minutes.  There was a time where they would give each individual about 30 seconds while Ramsay tried their dish and subsequently spit it out 95% of the time.  I guess the producers told him to lighten up cause he actually enjoys half of them now.  Boring.

Then of course we can't continue on without some sort of sexual innuendo.  The chicks were talking about how a scallop is supposed to feel like a dick tip or something and then one of them calls out for Justin (one of the identical scrawny white guys who all look, sound, and talk alike).  Quick random cut to Justin sitting in the dorm since, you know, he obviously HEARD THEM AND NOW WE'VE GOT A SEXUAL SCANDAL ON OUR HANDS!!!!  Seriously, give me a break.  Another editing crapcake example came when Ramsay was quizzing one of the blonde chicks on the menu and the blonde chick couldn't remember.  Quick cut to Ramsay angrily saying "COME ON!"...while looking at the other side of the room.  This is just the kind of crappy editing that goes on where they try to insert conflict that isn't really there.  While that happens a lot in reality shows, it's just gotten so piss poor here that's it's like the show has dumbed itself down.

Naturally you can't have a season premiere without having a few people get kicked out of the kitchen.  It was three tonight - the black dude, the super short person, and one of the scrawny white guys who all look, sound, and talk alike.  The black dude got the chop first.  Not really a surprise cause his performance was terrible, but Ramsay seems to always have it out for any kind of executive chef in the competition.  By the way - the term "thrown under the bus" is so F-ING ANNOYING!!! SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THE DAMN BUS!!!!  I swear, it's like it's mandatory for every contestant to say that someone threw them under the bus at least once per episode.  COME UP WITH A NEW DAMN PHRASE YOU ASSHOLES!!!

Oh, and the whole "The person leaving Hell's Kitchen is................Royce................BACK IN LINE!"  Okay guys, that worked in the first few seasons.  125 or so episodes later it's just predictable.  The promo for the next episode shows that Royce, one of the scrawny white guys who all look, sound, and talk alike, with a bloody nose and implying that he got hit.  In reality he probably walked into a door.  The promos for this show always say that the next episode is going to be the most controversial or the most violent or that someone gets abducted by aliens or some shit.  Whatever.

I'll always watch this show cause it's just so fun.  I can't stand the editing and I'll continue to complain, but how can you not enjoy a guy screaming his ass off over food?  It's like the definition of this website!

MASTERCHEF

Episode I

Ugh.  I watched most of this last season but got really, really bored at times.  So much of the show focuses simply on people's reactions.  It's very slowly paced and Joe Bastianich sets off the Douche Alarm in every episode. In these early episodes it's just the "auditions" where the contestants have 5 minutes to cook something for the three judges - Ramsay again, Graham Norton, and Douche Alarm.  Here's a mini script of how the judging process for each contestant goes.

Graham: I say yes.

*10 seconds pass*

Douche Alarm: I say no.

*10 seconds pass*

Ramsay: Uhhhh....I say....

*20 seconds of intense buildup*

*Commercial*

*Return to show*

Graham: I say yes.

*3 seconds pass*

Douche Alarm: I say no.

*3 seconds pass*

Ramsay: Uhhhhh....I say....

*15 seconds of intense buildup*

Ramsay: Yes.

Contestant: OMGGGGGERZZZZZZZZZZ

Ugh.  So.  Damn.  Slow. I'll try to keep up with this show because I like the challenges but damn it speed this up.