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HELL'S KITCHEN
Episode 6
"I'm sorry for all of the 'to be continueds'. Please give me another chance."
UP YOURS, HELL'S KITCHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE YOUR TO BE CONTINUED AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR PITCHFORKED ASS!!!!
Ok, so here's what's going down - Fox probably wants HK to air for the entire summer, so to do this they brought on an HK record 18 contestants. In theory that's 18 episodes and 18 weeks, not taking into consideration multiple eliminations. However, in an unfortunate twist, Fox managed to bring together 18 of the most boring people imaginable and have created the dullest atmosphere in HK history. This show is 100% editing. There's no conflict. I mean, all of tonight they were trying to play up this Kimmie-Robyn rivalry. Is this even interesting? Hell no. It's boring. This is why you need an Elise, a Sabrina, a Raj. You need characters, regardless of their cooking abilities, to make the show interesting. No one this season is interesting and, hence, you have what's going down as the worst season of HK.
The last two episodes have been dragged out with absolutely no drama or conflict. Horrible. Here's what went down prior to Fox deciding to leave a flaming bag of dogshit on our doorsteps:
Pouty Lips going home isn't that much of a surprise and, to absolutely no one's surprise, the "to be continued" nonsense was absolute baloney. Holy crap that must have been the worst "to be continued" since Gordon Ramsay first revealed that he was British.
Kimmie is sneaky? In what intergalactic universe is Kimmie classified as sneaky? She yells, she fights, and she calls everyone a bitch. She's about as sneaky someone from Jersey Shore trying to rob a library.
"Hopefully they'll want to talk to us and cuddle..." Brian, I assure you that none of those hot models want to cuddle with you, just in case you were thinking otherwise.
Fashion people freak me out. They look like a bunch of animated mannequins. "I can't have anything unhealthy." Wtf??? Would you like a plate of tofu-substituted steak, too?
"This is not very visually appealing!" NEITHER ARE YOU, LADY!!!
"This is a lot of food for an appetizer, I feel." Holy crap, have you ever eaten? Like, ever? These fashion people are such goofballs. These are probably the same people who try to make it attractive for women to weigh 90 pounds. Bite me. Don't listen to any of these jokers. If I was cooking this evening I'd put a double bacon cheeseburger right in their ugly faces.
"I have a very personal connection to Italy and Spain." Yeah, sure you do, lady. Puking up your lunch in a gas station in Little Italy doesn't mean you have a very personal connection with it.
Piss off, HK. How can Gordon Ramsay do this to us? HE'S THE FRICKIN' EXECUTIVE PRODUCER! BOGUS!!!!
MASTERCHEF
Episode 6
"Why make trillions when we could make...billions?"
Ryan seriously is a douche. Not just any kind of douche, but a really, really creepy one. Giving live crab to the blind girl - strategic move or jerk move? Well, it is strategic and Christine is the competition, but just the fact it's Ryan and he does come off as the equivalent of a rotten pile of dirty diapers kinda makes it seem like a jerk move. Needless to say, Christine turned out an awesome dish and the judges even called Ryan out on his douchebaggery. Maybe I was wrong and plate presentation won't be her downfall. She really knows what she's doing. From being picked last to number 1 while defeating the bad guy. Great to see.
Back to Ryan: Trying to "hook up" his pal Tali with live crab. Pssh. You know what? Tali looks like a creep, too! Any goofball who regularly wears that kind of hat wherever they go just screams douche.
They remind me of these guys from South Park:
Monti is hot and her self-defensive attitude is just whoa. Nice.
Said Ryan: "Now I have to start taking out the rest of these douchebags." That's great, Ryan, that you're so motivated to remove yourself from the competition.
Helene went home. She had it rough for a few rounds so I'm not too surprised.