Thanksgiving Recap

Quick recap of my favorite  holiday in the history of the universe because it's the one day of the year where you're actually encouraged to eat like a pig.

First up, my specialty and signature dish: the mashed potatoes:

I wound up mashing 5 pounds worth of potatoes this year. My response when people ask me what my secret ingredient is: love. My response when people ask how much of each ingredient I put in: haven't a clue. I just keep experimenting until it's just right. Yessir, these potatoes may have been my best ever:

Main course:

Got two types of stuffing there; one with sausage and the other with sage. Obviously this is all fantastic but one of the things I love most about Thanksgiving is the return of the mighty CHRISTMAS SANDWICHES!!!

Turkey, potatoes, stuffing, and gravy packed into a dinner roll. It's the PERFECT combination of everything that is right in the world. The only thing that tops it might be this:

The bummer is that these guys are seasonal, unless we bust out some turkey at other points during the year. Remember that Faith Hill Christmas song from The Grinch? There's a lyric in it where she's all like "it'll be Christmas alllll the tiiiiiime!" That should be changed to "it'll be Christmas Sandwiches alllll the tiiiiiiime!" For real. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope you weren't fighting anyone in Walmart on Black Friday like a loser! Happy holidays! 

What Happened to Chili's?

I recently visited Chili's. I hadn't been to one since 2007 in Santa Clara, but I knew what they were all about; a slightly upgraded version of Denny's with a baby back rib signature dish.

After experiencing a below par dining experience and feeling lost on their menu, all I can think is...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO CHILI'S??? Guys, what is going on here? 

First of all, let's get one thing out of the way: Why in the HELL is prime rib on the menu at Chili's? What's next? Roasted grizzly bear? When did Chili's go all fine dining on us? Their menu is seriously suffering through a major identity crisis and Chili's has no clue what it's trying to be other than a "one stop shop" for anything and everything. It's like the AM/PM of the restaurant industry. Want a burger? Check. Steak? Oh yeah! Mexican? Absolutely! I guess I can understand this identity crisis as Sizzler has tanked and I'm not sure how good TGIF is doing since I don't hear much about 'em anymore. I guess they had to expand their menu to stay competitive.

But wait! If the food tastes good then who cares if their menu is a little confused? Well, that's the problem: their food sucks, at least at this location. On this particular day I was starving and opted for a ribeye steak...yeah, yeah, after trashing about them about the steaks I go and order one. I'm an asshole, I get it. The steak came with an order of two sides from a list of about six uninspiring selections. The result? The steak experiment didn't really work out:

Ribeye steak, beans, a butter lugey, and crusted mashed potatoes

So I usually order my steaks medium and more times than not they're served to me well done. Today I decided to live dangerously and ordered the ribeye medium rare. Because I had little faith they'd cook it correctly anyway, I figure it'd automatically cook to medium. The plan backfired. The steak came back rare, not the biggest issue in the world, but just, like, why the hell can't anyone properly cook a steak? Gordon Ramsay must be rolling around in his lamb sauce. 

The mashed potatoes were a disaster. Too much butter, not enough seasoning, and for some reason they were topped with this crusty cheese shell thing. Like everything at Chili's, it's just butter, cheese, and salt. That's it. Even the frickin' steak had a glob of butter on it, but it was still okay (despite the wrong cooking temperature). The potatoes? Awful. Since I make the greatest mashed potatoes in the universe, I was especially insulted by their incompetence. 

For an appetizer we ordered nachos, but instead what we got were, like, cheese chips:

Let's just add cheese onto everything to mask the fact that we don't know what we're doing anymore

The last part I'm gonna share is the dish from the other member of my party who ordered a chicken club sandwich thing. The problem? It had so much lettuce on it that even a vegan would complain. Check it out:

The San Diego version of Fangorn Forest

Note the lettuce on the plate; that was actually TAKEN OFF from this half of the sandwich. I DIDN'T KNOW THIS SANDWICH CAME TOPPED WITH A SALAD, CHILI'S! YOU SHOULD UPDATE YOUR MENU ACCORDINGLY! 

The baby back ribs, the original Chili's specialty, now just randomly appear in the menu. It's just very strange how this place has evolved but if you're looking for junk food I'd check out Denny's instead.

The Art of the Christmas Sandwiches

If you've known me long enough then you know that I have an affinity for the holidays and, more specifically, the food. Even more specific are the leftovers of Thanksgiving and Christmas which provide the ingredients for the seasonal Christmas Sandwiches (or Holiday Sandwiches if you prefer). Christmas Sandwiches are turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and gravy packed into a dinner roll but there's a lot more that goes into it. As is the error with common sandwich shops or burger joints, you can't just throw a bunch of random stuff together and expect a complete synergy of deliciousness. There's an art about creating the perfect sandwich and today, my friends, I will break down the Christmas Sandwich for you.

Step 1) The Rolls: I've had a lot of problems with holiday dinner rolls over the years with the main problem being that they generally just suck. Really. It's hard to find a good dinner roll. Thankfully the roll doesn't make or break the sandwich so we can be liberal about what we choose. For this demonstration I'm creating a "Christmas Sandwich Sampler" plate with four different rolls as follows:

Four different rolls will give us four distinctly different sandwiches

2) Butter the Rolls: Cut the roll in half and then use butter or margarine or whatever imitation dairy product you prefer and spread it on the interior of BOTH SIDES. Even if you have the dullest, lamest, most disgusting dinner rolls, adding a thin layer of butter will help provide extra flavor.

Just like with mayo, you don't want to be too generous with the butter, otherwise it's just disgusting

3) The Main Ingredients: Obviously you'll need the main staples of a gourmet holiday dinner. I like to try and split the plate into thirds and use an even amount of turkey, potatoes, and stuffing. Then top everything with gravy. It should look like a traditional "day after" meal:

You'll find it challenging not to dig right in following the reheat, but be patient

4) Heating Up and Prep: Microwave your leftovers until everything is hot. Note: the potatoes heat up slower than the turkey and stuffing, so be sure to mix them with a fork during microwaving to speed up the process and keep things even. When everything is good to go, you should have a presentation that looks something like this:

If you think this is gonna be too much food then just think of them as sliders

5) Stuffing the Sandwich: This is the tricky part. Some people have no respect for proper layering or technique which is a big no-no. If you slap all the stuff into the roll like you're working at Quiznos then your sandwich is gonna taste like a regurgitated tissue, and I don't think you want that. It's important to first start with the turkey. The protein ALWAYS goes on the bottom. Top that with the stuffing and THEN use the mashed potatoes as a paste to keep everything in place. Feel free to top with a little more gravy and then put in the microwave for 20-30 seconds (to heat up the bread and melt the butter):

Your sandwiches should look something like this following assembly. Note the layering

6) Closing the Sandwich: If you refer back to the image for step 2, notice that I didn't cut the rolls all the way through. This is a personal choice as when I close the sandwich up I like the idea of being able to gently pack all the ingredients in. Another option is to cut them all the way through and then top the sandwich as if it were a burger. It's entirely up to you.

Christmas Sandwich Sampler

7) Other Options: Sometimes I top the goods with a little cranberry sauce which is entirely up to you. I've also heard of putting in sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, and even pumpkin pie. Again, it's whatever you want, but I prefer to stick with traditional ingredients. Once your sandwich is constructed...you stuff it:

With a thin layer of cranberry sauce

Hey, I hope you found this tutorial useful. If you wanna get the most of your sandwiches then it's always important to approach them with a plan. These sandwiches, like all of the others I made this holiday season, were absolutely stunning and delicious. Give it a try. 

Happy Holidays! 

The Greatest Mashed Potatoes in the Universe

Let me break it down for you: my mashed potatoes are the best in the world and quite possibly the universe. That's not arrogance that's just honesty. The truth is that mashed potatoes in general are made with flaws because to get the perfect creamy texture you have to actually put some work into them that a lot of restaurants don't want to spend time on. As a result you get a lump of white gunk on your plate with chunks of whole potato in them, no seasoning, and generally looking like a microwaved pile of regurgitated French fries.

My friends, I'm gonna let you in on the greatest cooking tip that you could ever want. I'm gonna show you what I did with my recent Thanksgiving potatoes that turned out ***SPOILER ALERT*** perfectly. Dudes, if you can master the art of mashed potatoes then you will be idolized more than Gordon Ramsay's short temper or Joe Bastianich's sleek bald head. True, potatoes are a side dish but they go with EVERYTHING. That's what makes them so damn important and why YOU need to master the art of mashing potatoes. So, let us begin:

***NOTE***I'm experimenting with picture sizes, so I've slightly adjusted the page's dimensions to cater to larger pictures. If something seems off on your screen then please let me know.

Boiling the potatoes usually makes people anxious because they don't know if you'll be able to pull off such a large amount of awesome just an hour before dinner

So I boiled about 15-20 potatoes for dinner and there was some anxiety as to how the hell I'd be able to pull off boiling, peeling, and mashing such a huge amount of potatoes just an hour before dinner. But alas, a kitchen crusader such as myself shows no fear in the midst of culinary challenges. These potatoes are like cadets at boot camp; I'm gonna mash 'em, smash 'em, and grind 'em down into the best damn potatoes they can be. Boiling can take a while so be sure to fill your pot with enough water so it's covering every potato and COVER IT so the heat doesn't go anywhere. Takes 20-30 minutes.

My troops, my soldiers, MY MINIONS!!!

As the waters boil and you eclipse 20 minutes of the submerged potatoes, start periodically poking them with a fork. If your fork slides through like a knife through butter then they're ready. 

I'm so badass that I peel hot potatoes by hand

Peeling potatoes with a girly peeler takes forever, so I suggest you try to be as manly as I am and peel the potatoes with your hands. Yes, it's gonna burn as hot potatoes tend to demonstrate, but run them under cool water and do it quickly. You'll save yourself tons of time at the expense of a couple second degree hand burns. And don't dump the skins down your sink cause that'll just clog stuff up.

Exhibit 1: commence mashing

Exhibit 1: The beginning of the mashing process. I recommend regularly working out during the year so your arms are totally ripped when it comes time to mash these bad boys, otherwise you'll look like a weakling if you begin to struggle. Remember: it's better to over-mash than it is to under-mash. 

Exhibit 2: taking on a shape

Exhibit 2: As you mash your potatoes down to a white fluff, begin adding your butter and milk. I actually used a butter substitute that wasn't as high in fat but you can use whatever. I used about 1.5-2 cups of 2% milk that was microwaved for about 40 seconds to give it a lukewarm temperature. Keep in mind that butter will give the potatoes texture while the milk will take it away so it's important to mix in a little bit of both at the same time. 

Exhibit 3: the five seasons

Exhibit 3: As you mix in your milk and butter you'll notice your potatoes beginning to take on more of a face. Now you can start mixing in your seasonings to give your potatoes the ultimate flavor experience. 

Exhibit 4, the near end product

Exhibit 4: Almost complete. At this point I have mixed in salt and pepper (don't be shy about using pepper; it gets absorbed and gives the potatoes a kick), as well as smoked paprika and the real stars of the dish: onion powder and garlic powder. These two worked in tandem to give these potatoes a massive amount of flavor that would have made Flava Flav frickin' jealous.

Exhibit 5: The Greatest Mashed Potatoes in the Universe

Exhibit 5: And here we are, plated in a beautiful bowl, topped with smoked paprika for a little color, and with plenty left in the pot for leftovers. And believe me: they were needed. I was wise to make so many. 

To recap, here are some rules that we learned:

1) Make sure the water covers all of the potatoes and don't pull them until you can easily slide your fork through the skin

2) Peel them by hand. Don't be a baby

3) Add a little butter and milk bit by bit. Adding too much of one could ruin your texture

4) You want your potatoes to have ZEST so use fun seasonings

5) For the love of Donald Trump's toupee: TASTE, TASTE, TASTE!

Feel free to experiment but the reality is you're not gonna find any potatoes better than mine. It's a craft and an art that few have been able to master since the beginning of time. You can't just boil and mash potatoes; you've gotta go through a process and nurture them into the final excellent product that you know they can be. I hope this was a fun read and you didn't stop too many times other than to perhaps take some notes.

Happy holidays! 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving - you know I did! :)