MasterChef Episode 9 Recap

MASTERCHEF

Episode 9

Um...okay then, Graham.

MasterChef is exceeding Hell's Kitchen in entertainment value far and beyond this season. 

When Stacy picked Tali first I was shocked and about to make fun of her.  But then when I heard her reasoning that she picked him first as insurance in the event they go to a pressure test, I applauded her move.  Naturally it's probably gonna come back to bite her in the ass, but for the moment it seems good.  But whatever. She made some good choices with the teams.  Frank and Becky are pretty sound chefs and Tali no longer has the self-proclaimed "Flavor Elevator" ramming him into the ground so he's not as annoying.  Pairing Monti and David was a good move as well as Tanya and Anna as there's no central leader. Monti has leadership capabilities but she comes off as a bit hot-headed.  Not that I'm complaining. 

I love how Monti says "no, David, you don't got it."  Also evidenced by his raw burgers.  Suave. 

My first thought when I heard they were charging: Dude, MasterChef is charging people? Seriously? Why don't they say "go to whichever food truck you want and whoever makes the most orders wins"?  Come on, guys. 

My second thought when hearing that the money goes to charity: Awe, that's so nice and a good move.

Reality thought: Joe Bastianich will probably pocket most of it and invest in a book on how to be Italian.

Wow, Red Team won with Tali as the first pick.  Impressive.

"The first things that you sent out were raw."  "NOT ALL OF THEM!" Hahahaha, that's what you like to hear from a chef. They're not ALL raw, only SOME of them. Silly David Martinez. 

Too bad Tanya couldn't pull any more steak out of her ass like last time. She's too soft to win.

Not a shocker at all that Anna went home.  Captain of the losing team and served raw food during the elimination.  

Very enjoyable episode. The thing that makes this show entertaining is that not only do these people have personalities but they have ATTITUDES. Some are more evident than others, but it makes it fun. There's obvious front runners, dark horses, and some chefs that are about to be picked off one by one. It's a really fun range this season. Too bad HK is stinking up the joint, otherwise this would be a great block of programming.

Hell's Kitchen Recap Episode 9

HELL'S KITCHEN

Season 9

A lot of people are shocked at how horrible this season is going

Unbelievable.  UNBELIEVABLE!!!

This is simply unreal.  This is desperate, this is cheesy, and this is a sign that this show is being flushed down the toilet faster than a piece of shit mixed with rotten Brussels sprouts.  Three "to be continued" episodes out of nine.  That means one out of every three episodes DOESN'T EVEN GIVE US A CONCLUSION. Are the editors walking off after every episode because they're so bored with this group of boring chefs?  I'll let you guys in on a little secret: Kimmie's not going anywhere. She may have received some nasty burns, but it looks like it's only on her thumb and she still has the ability to use it.  Season 6 winner Dave won while having his left arm in a cast for most of his duration in HK. Of course, Kimmie is proving that she's soft while working with people so who knows?  She won't go home next episode.

This once again proves to me that the producers are trying to stretch this out for the entire summer but as a result they're giving us the worst product they've ever churned out from Gordon Ramsay.

Not that I give a shit about this pissfest of a season anymore, but here's some of what went on in tonight's episode.

Whoa, Red team has to figure out who's sitting out the challenge.  MAJOR NON-DRAMA ALERT!

According to Justin, "zucchini is a boring vegetable."  Well, that should be right up your alley then right, Justin?

I love how Robyn and Kimmie are self-proclaimed best friends now, just two episodes after the editors tried to create all this non-elastic, dull-as-Brian's-personality conflict that sunk the show to one of the lowest, if not THE lowest stretches in its 10 season run.

"If Barbie beats me I will slam my head into the first hard blunt object I can find." You might be doing all of us a favor, Brian.

While the ladies are ready to do some chopping, the guys are ready to do some shopping.  Rhymes.

Ugh.  More of this Robyn-Kimmie "drama".  This is torture. I seriously don't even know what to say anymore. It's almost like I'm watching an episode of South Park and Kyle and Cartman are just going back and forth at each other.  The difference is that South Park is entertaining.

OOOOOH TO BE CONTINUED! OOOOOH!!!!! THIRD CLIFFHANGER OF THE SEASON, HUH, FOX???  BITE ME!!!!

MasterChef Recap Episode 8

MASTERCHEF

Episode 8

Tanya pulling steak out of her ass

Whoa, obviously no product placement going on here at all with the Walmart steaks. 

"I'm confident how my meat looks and I pulled it out of my ass."  Um...that's nice, Tanya.  I'll be sure not to try any of your cooking in the future. But damn - that ass steak got her into first place.  Nice reproductive system regardless of whatever you're splashing on your cooking station there.

So - three desserts and Tanya gets to assign each cook to a dessert - 4 cooks for each dish.  Christine got the strawberry shortcake which, on paper, seems like the easiest but that's the trap that a lot of cooks would fall into.  Christine has already proven she can rise to tough challenges so I'm not surprised that she got the simple dish, in theory.  The worst cook for each dish will make up the bottom three.  

It looks like everyone had trouble with each dish to be honest with you. When Felix brought her Tiramisu up there I thought she was gonna drown herself in her tears.  And it's not like the judges were being that mean.  Gotta develop a little more of a backbone if you're gonna be on a game show.  As Ramsay said in the last episode of HK, "It's a competition you silly cow!"

Funny exchange with David Martinez:

Ramsay: The whole idea of Tiramisu means pick me up.  You just put me down.  Great shame.

David: This is the first time I've ever made Tiramisu.

Joe: That's pretty apparent.  What's all this watery stuff around here?

David: I believe I over-soaked my ladyfingers.

Joe: Looks kinda gross.

David: I apologize for that.

Joe: Based on what I'm tasting I wish I could send you and Felix home because this is really, really off target.

Christine's was good of course, though one of the key ingredients of a strawberry shortcake is supposed to be STRAWBERRIES!!!!

Tali's actually looked pretty good.  I guess without Ryan around he doesn't have to divert all of his energy to being a creepy douchebag.

Speaking of douchebag, Douche Alarm Joe was going off with great frequency today.  Can't say it wasn't uncalled for though since some of these dishes really didn't look that good. 

Ok, guys - Gordon Ramsay needs to stop surrounding himself with yes men because it's more than obvious that his decisions are the only ones that matter.  "Felix, say goodbye...to Scott."  Come on, really?  It's not even surprising anymore because we expect one of those "twists" in every episode, not just with MasterChef but it happens in virtually every HK episode.  Ridiculous.

Scott's shortcake did look pretty rough.  He didn't really do much in the competition to warrant staying so it's not that much of a surprise. 

Hell's Kitchen Recap Episode 8

HELL'S KITCHEN

Episode 8

I would have much rather enjoyed looking at this picture of season 9's very attractive Elizabeth rather than watch last night's episode

This actually wasn't a horrible episode.  Much better than the crap they had been serving us the past few days.  Also seeing Roshni stand up for herself at the end was nice to see, as we finally saw someone with a little personality.  Get it?  Little. LOOOOOOOOL yeah.

Justin says "I'm crossing my fingers and hoping we don't make ourselves look like idiots."  Wow.  Quite a challenge you've given yourself there, Justin.

They subtitled Sugar Ray Leonard as the "Author of 'The Big Fight'"?  Really?

Why does it always seem like Robyn is on caffeine?  Every time she's on screen she's bouncing off walls and screaming at the top of her lungs.  Jeez, calm down.

Brian says "I've trained for this. I'm ready!" Trained for failure I don't think was in the curriculum, Brian.  Ugh. Then he does some moves in front of Sugar Ray.  Ugh.

Psycho Bitch Tiffany puts knives in her mouth and then cuts meat with them.  Hence the name Psycho Bitch Tiffany.

I've always wondered something. Don't these chefs, like, even touch their food before bringing it up to the pass?  You should know almost immediately if your beef wellington is raw.  Or your piece of lobster.  The meat is exposed so there's no excuse to serve something stone cold.  Or as Guy mentioned last night to be politically correct, "they weren't cold.  They were warm."

Did anyone catch Clemenza pulling a Curly?  "Whoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoa wait a minute!" ahahahaha

I'm surprised Roshni lasted as long as she did. It was nice to see her stand up for herself at the end there, but she really had no chance to win this.  I also found the humor in Ramsay telling her to keep her head high.  Just sayin'.

MasterChef Recap Episode 7

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MASTERCHEF

Episode 7

The "Flavor Elevator" must be stuck between floors because it's clearly not going anywhere

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I'm enjoying this show WAY more than HK.  It's funny cause in my early reviews of the season I was trashing MasterChef but praising HK and they've both switched places.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.  I love seeing Ryan get totally trashed.  First Christine picks him as the last member of her team which was sweet justice and then she TRADES his ass.  The look on his face was priceless.  Seeing him and Tali picked last isn't that much of a surprise considering that last week I went on an extensive case study on how they're both massive douchebags, but I digress - Christine is completely steamrolling the competition right now.  

Blue team deserved to lose.  With quality control that bad and a 60/40 vote differential it's not so much a competition as it is a massacre. 

Monti is really hot and her attitude is even hotter.  Seeing the way she sticks up for herself.  It's irresistible.

I like how each judge saved a contestant from the pressure test.  IMO it keeps the better chefs around and gives the judges less of an excuse to eliminate someone prematurely.  I also think they were spot on with Ryan and Tali because, naturally, they're douchebags. 

"The person who's safe....Josh...it's not you."  Ah, a classic Gordon Ramsay switcheroo.  But in all seriousness, there's no way the captain of the losing team should be safe, almost by default.  Frank was in a similar situation a few episodes back where he was the captain of the losing team but was given the option to save one of his teammates.  He performed well but did the noble thing and saved someone else, even saying as the losing captain he didn't deserve to be saved from that challenge.  Translation: Josh is a douche.  Maybe.  We'll see.  They've actually barely featured him up until this episode so we don't know much about him. 

I like how Ryan called David an "infectious negative energy in the kitchen."  So what does that make you, Ryan?  If David is an infectious energy then you must be gonorrhea. 

You ever notice how Gordon Ramsay doesn't say "hello" to anyone?  He just goes up to them, says "Right", and then goes into his schtick. 

Ryan and Tali as the Dream Team?  More like the Third-Layer-of-a-Dream-and-Stuck-in-Limbo-Like-in-Inception Team. 

I like how Ramsay asks for one of them to act on integrity and to be noble.  That's like giving Congress a check for a billion dollars and asking them to use it wisely. 

Flavor Elevator.  If Ryan is an elevator then he must be jammed somewhere in the shaft cause he's obviously not going anywhere.

Tali is pretty much bottom of the barrel now.  I mean, with "diarrhea on a plate", it's kinda hard to be anywhere but last in the competitoin.

Good episode I thought.  Ryan is gone but it seems like there's some more conflict brewing between other contestants and, unlike HK this year, these people actually seem interesting.  This could actually get intense.  

"How am I still here?"

Hell's Kitchen Recap Episode 7

HELL'S KITCHEN

Episode 7

"Another 'To be continued?' GET OUT!!!!"

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but we're seriously in the midst of the worst season of Hell's Kitchen ever. I can't believe how painfully bored I am watching this half-assed attempt at a kitchen soap opera.  I'm hoping it turns around and we get some of the magic and intensity of past seasons but I'm not holding my breath.  The problem is there aren't any front runners nor are there any donkeys.  There's little parity in the competition which could be a good thing, but no one has any personality either.  Brian and Justin are the same f-ing person.  I don't mean to sound so cynical but this is just awful.  I mean, am I wrong?  This is one of the few shows I've gone out of my way to watch over the years and I've been really let down thus far. But Ramsay's rants are still hysterical.

Anyway, onto the episode:

First of all, did anybody really believe that Clemenza would be sent home for his scallops mishap at that exact moment?  The only shocking thing about this episode was the inclusion of one of the lamest cliffhangers in HK history, right there next to the "to be continued" of the Pouty Lips-Van Halen-Guy elimination round.  Plus if you looked closely in the promos from last week, you can see Clemenza in the kitchen, so nice fail, editors.

I'm convinced that the producers have half-naked women strutting around the restaurant because they also realize how lame of a season this has been so far.

I'm also convinced that they're including these fashion geeks as a way to create more conflict.  Personally I just wanna punch that blonde jerk right in his Playdough-shaped nose, but I digress.

"No way I'm going to let him go down. I'm jumping on." - Wow, Brian. You're such a warrior.

Robyn: She runs out of beef so she asks someone else to ask the Blue Team for more? Dude, ASK THEM YOURSELF!  Don't send Psycho Bitch Tiffany to clean up your mess.  Not cool.

"It's a competition, you silly cow!"  Best insult ever?  I wish someone had told this to the Oklahoma City Thunder during the NBA Finals.

I'd take Sous Chef Andy over any of those models any day.  Dana, too.

I like how the editors built up all this crap between Robyn and Kimmie only to bring them back as best friends later that same day, thus clinching the fact that this season is short on conflict.

"I gave him a little spanking."  I'm sure you did, Royce, and I'm sure you enjoyed it.

Whoa, Brian!  Don't hit that punching bag too hard, it might drain all of your personality.

Wow.  Took 7 minutes to nominate Guy.  Seriously?

Needless to say, this wasn't "one of the most shocking episodes in Hell's Kitchen history" as hinted at the beginning of the episode.  I like to see Clemenza fighting and I'm glad he stayed.  I still think he can go far.  Seeing Guy leave is a bit of a disappointment, but the problem with all the parity is that if you don't stand out then you won't go far and that's what happened with him.

Overall a snoozefest.

Ruby's Is Just Alright With Me

Sorry for the lack of food pictures lately.  Haven't really been trying many new places lately.  But here's some stuff for ya - Bacon-Swiss burger from Ruby's Diner:

Joe Ordinary

Ruby's is one of those places that's usually solid if not a little underwhelming.  I mean, their food is good...but it's nothing to go ape-poop over.  Maybe I should have gotten a shake.  I had one of their strawberry shakes once and it was really good.  Also, their double burgers?  The patties are smaller than the ones they use for the singles.  What kind of a crock is that?

And here's an egg salad sandwich from the Mt. Soledad Market & Deli with some kind of novelty Ruffles that tastes the same as every other bag on the shelf:

Oh hi, non-photogenic potato chips

The quasi-interesting thing about the Mt. Soledad Market is that every month or so their Ruffles selection changes with some sort of new outlandish flavor.  The above chips are flavored as "Baked Potato".  There was another new flavor that was "BLT".  Yes, chips flavored as a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.  It's almost like the Joker is employed over there at the Ruffles factory and is just making chips out of whatever he has for lunch on that particular day. And the thing is - they all taste the same.  They all taste like barbecue, with the exception of those cheeseburger flavored chips.  Those were just nasty.  Or maybe it was something else, I don't really remember. 

And, well, since we're on the topic of weird, here's a sandwich I made recently:

Oh hi, bright colors

So what we have here is a sliced turkey sandwich topped with summer sausage and three types of cheese (Havarti, Gouda, and mild cheddar).  And then there's the fruit and those cheese puffs which are really frickin' addicting.  A filling sandwich to say the least.  I'm not sure all of the flavors go together in traditional cooking, but I'm not a traditional person.