Karl Strauss Asada Fries - With Cheese Whiz?

So I've been on the "Passover Purge" for a week where I refused any form of bread, crackers, cake, etc. When we went to Karl Strauss last week I was kind of limited in what I could order but alas the "Asada Fries" jumped off the page to me.

On a plate they look quite attractive as you'll see here:

Pretty dish presentation for sure. You've got the steak, gorgonzola, avocado-chimichurri, cilantro, pickled onion, and chipotle ketchup...and house-made jalapeno cheese-whiz...

I dunno, dude. Cheese whiz? When I think of cheese-whiz I think of this:

To me this is, like, a cheap imitation cheese product, right? It's overly processed junk is what it is. So...what exactly is "homemade" cheese whiz? What does that comprise of? This is what I don't understand. It seems to me that utilizing cheese whiz over real cheese is a pretty lame way to save a few bucks. Overall it added an odd texture and peculiar taste to an otherwise solid dish. Karl Strauss boasts some really tasty fries and the steak was delicious as well. So why use cheese whiz? I don't know. I don't understand.

KARL STRAUSS

ASADA FRIES (WITH "HOMEMADE" CHEESE WHIZ)

ONE AND A HALF GARGANTOS

OUT OF FOUR

Little Caesars Bacon Wrapped Pizza

Rarely does something come along that's so egregiously revolting that you'd rather sniff a bag of decomposing horse crap than risk the quadruple bypass you're likely to incur with said enigma.

Enter: The Little Caesars Bacon Wrapped Pizza.

A concoction so greasy that Pizza the Hutt's arteries would clog themselves with pepperoni just from laying eyes upon it:

Remember in Lord of the Rings when Frodo or Boromir or whoever would fall into a trance with the ring? That's a lot like staring at the Little Caesars Bacon Wrapped Pizza

I bought this because curiosity got the best of me. This sounded like something so disgusting yet so delicious that I just had to try it once. Fortunately, I have no desire to try it ever again. 

Is this thing any good? Well, yeah. Sometimes being bad feels really good. That's what the Little Caesar's Bacon Wrapped Pizza is all about. When you dance with this devil, all of your dieting and lifestyle restrictions go right out the window. It's eight slices of acne-inducing firepower baked onto the devil's pizza stone originating from the seventh layer of Hell.

Grease soaking through the cardboard

Again

Hey, I can almost see myself in the reflection!

Would I recommend this? No. Absolutely not. What I would say is that it's something you can try once just to say that you did. Several people who partook in this pizza reported heartburn immediately after. I would think that explosive diarrhea followed considering how this pizza is probably the equivalent of an industrial-strength laxative. Is it so good that you have to have it again? Not really. Once is enough. 

Bottom line:

LITTLE CAESARS BACON WRAPPED PIZZA

ONE AND A HALF GARGANTOS OUT OF FOUR

The Return of Hostess Chocodiles!

When Hostess initially went out of business in 2012, I saw the end of one of my favorite sweet snacks that I'd pick up on every supermarket trip: the Chocodile. Chocodiles are chocolate covered Twinkies and they're pretty much the greatest mass-produced sweet treat in the world and possibly the universe.

Hostess returned shortly thereafter when they were bought over by a Mexican conglomerate, but Chocodiles seemed absent from that revived lineup. Years went by and I never so much as laid eyes upon a single Chocodile...until recently at my local Ralphs when I found THIS box on the clearance rack:

WHERE THE HELL HAVE THESE THINGS BEEN???

My first thought was they had these sitting in back from the original Hostess crash four years ago, but that wouldn't make much sense. Plus, the "best by" date wouldn't be 2016. And no, Twinkies do not have apocalyptic expiration dates. In fact, their best by dates are typically only a month or so after their original shelf placement. Don't believe everything you hear; it's all lies. Especially on this blog hahaha.

Anyway...

Huh...Chocodiles kinda look like Nutella-coated turds...

...but I promise they're not. 

Glad to see these back.

What Do Red Bananas Taste Like?

Picked up some red bananas at Sprouts over a week ago. Yes, bananas come in red in case you didn't know:

I had these once as a kid and I remember them being sweeter than regular bananas, so you can imagine my surprise when I bit into one and found it to be the equivalent of eating a piece of chalk. All of this was after I had to practically perform a surgical procedure just to get the darn peel off. 

Something didn't seem right, so I contacted Dole to ask them how long it takes their red bananas to ripen. This is the response I received:

Thank you for contacting Dole Food Company.

We appreciate your taking time to write to us. Dole Food Company is not affiliated with the product you referenced. We wish you luck in finding your answer.

Thank you for allowing us to be of assistance.

Please do not reply to this email. It has been computer generated. If you have any additional comments, please contact us again at http://www.dole.com.

Sincerely,

Dole Consumer Response

010470526A / DCR/cl

Huh...

Wait, it's not coming in clearly...

...

Must have been Joe Dole's first day on the job or something. So yeah. Anyone know how long it takes these red bananas to ripen? I tried one the night I purchased them and it was awful. I tried another one a week later and it wasn't any different.

If you know anything about red bananas Tweet the info to @Wyld_Stallyn

To the filmmakers of Bill and Ted 3 - I'll consider trading the handle for a cameo in the movie, just FYI. :)

UPDATE!!!

Dole responded to my Tweet saying that yes, this is absolutely their product (what gave it away?) and also sent me this video which prominently features the red bananas. Apparently they're ripe then they turn purple. Just the answer I was looking for! 

Chocomize Custom Chocolate Bars

Chocomize has been well documented on this blog over the years, but whenever a bar is in my possession I see it as just one more opportunity to deliver quality food porn to the already overly-saturated Internets.

As you can see, it was my birthday recently and a Chocomize bar is seriously an awesome gift for anyone. Behold:

What makes Chocomize bars an awesome gift is that A) they're delicious B) they're more than affordable and C) you can customize them, which means you can cater a bar to the giftee's liking. Thought goes into these things! 

The above diabetic beauty features the following:

1) Nerds: I like going with Nerds because they're small and plentiful, meaning there's gonna be more of them and you'll get a taste in every bite.

2) Gummy Bears: The softness of the gummy is a nice contrast to the hardness of the chocolate, plus it brings an additional fruity flavor into the mix. What can I say? I'm a fruity kind of guy.

3) Pop Rocks: You can't really see them but they're there. Much like Nerds, they're small and you're bound to get them in every bite, plus they bring a little zest to the presentation.

4) Junior Mints: Other than the cool and refreshing chocolate minty flavor, these things also tend to either melt or break apart, thus making the bar a colossal mess of sugary goo and stickiness - which is all rockets to me.

5) White Chocolate Birthday Plaque: Because, you know, it's my birthday. Duh.

CHOCOMIZE CUSTOM CHOCOLATE BAR

FOUR GARGANTOS OUT OF FOUR

February 29

I just wanted to make a post on February 29th.

lololol

Shaq Fu Punch

Shaq apparently has a beverage line, under the Shaq Fu brand name no less. What the hell?

I saw this stuff as I was browsing CVS. It sat in the upper left-hand corner of the fridge, peculiarly isolated from the other beverages. Like trying to guard Shaq on defense, none of the other drinks, apparently, wanted to be anywhere near this stuff.

Honestly, I don't get it. I bought it simply for the fact that it had Shaq on the label but I don't get what the hell this is supposed to be. As a juice it's just below mediocre. Not as bad as say, Kool Aid, but only a step up from something like Sunny D. The good news is I was able to drink it without gagging myself. The bad news this really isn't anything to write home about, but rather something to write on the Internet about and inform anyone who is curiously browsing.

Overall, not the worst thing on the market, but for $1.34 you can buy a pack of gum or a scratcher or sample size of travel shampoo.

SHAQ FU PUNCH - GRAPE

ONE AND A HALF GARGANTOS OUT OF FOUR