Monday, April 29, 2013

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 8 Recap

Season 11, Episode 8 Recap

Gordon Ramsay likes watching the fat kids run

This episode was stupid.  Yes, Danny Boy is annoying prick but sending him home over Barret?  Barret flatout sucks.  First he tries to serve the parchment paper with a fish around it then tries to send out raw chicken?  Come on, Gordon.  

Susan, sucker: "I sucked tonight".  Yeah, dirty jokes aside, I still can't figure this chick out.  There's just something about her that's strange.  It's almost like she's an actress playing the part of an HK contestant and at some point in the season she's gonna be involved in some big twist or something.  

Mary, butcher of cute animals upon hearing she won't actually be butchering them: "I'm excited to RASSLE them!" 

Nedra, dumbass: "I'm scared of my own damn dog, that should tell you something shouldn't it?"  Yes, Nidra, it tells me you're a moron who's useless to society, thanks for clearing that up.  

Danny Boy, jealous: "Apparently Michael has some kind of cooking skill and I don't." Well, half of that statement is correct.  Where you're off is assuming Michael has any kind of cooking skills at all.  You both just kinda suck to be honest.

Jon Shook, how the hell old is this kid?:  Dude, who the hell is this guy?  He comes on one of the hottest shows on network TV dressed up as if he's about to go to a Justin Bieber concert?  And this clown is the head chef at one of the LA's hottest new restaurants?  Dude, wear a blazer or something, seriously.  I mean, I don't like dressing up either but...SERIOUSLY!

Zachy Wacky, wise words: "Mary, Mary, quite contrary.  Hahaha.  GET IT TOGETHER, WOMAN!"

Aquarium Guide: Holy crap this chick must taking the same lessons as Mary is in how to make your voice sound as disgusting as possible. 

Yeah, Gordon Ramsay has no ego problem at all - everyone has a stash of drawings of themselves that kids can color in

Anthony, philosoraptor impersonator: "A cold cheeseburger.  How the hell does something like that happen?"

Gordon: "Barret, if you knew it was raw, why'd you bring it up to me?"
Barret: "Because I'm a stupid douche and I smell bad and can't read good and I suck and should be sent home tonight."

J'anelle, unintentional jerk: "I don't mean to be a jerk but we're totally blowing these boys out of the water and I'm really thoroughly enjoying it."  Actually, J'anelle, you really are being a jerk, sorry to say.

Barret, diffusing responsibility: "They just communicate way better than we do, guys.  That's it."  Actually, Barret, they also don't try to serve raw chicken to the sous chef's wife, nor do they try to serve halibut with parchment paper attached YOU STUPID IDIOT!

Hello, my name is Barret and I'm a douchebag

Mikey Wikey, douche: "I've never worked with so many f*@*#(! amateurs in this business in my life!"  Then he pounds the counter in anger.  Easy, big fella.  You may squash a ladybug. 

Danny Boy goes home: Look, Dan's a douche and a borderline creep, but Barret is just dumb.  This guy is a schmuck, a scab, an idiot.  He knowingly tries to serve crap and has done it more than once.  Why the hell didn't this guy go home before Dan?  This would have been an appropriate time to trade Dan to the red team for a leader and trash Barret instead.  No clue what Ramsay's thinking here.

Just FYI I bet you that Episode 9 will be a TBC.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

1 Steak, 1 Rib Rack, 1 Plate

So obviously I'm getting behind on Hell's Kitchen because what started out as a good rebound season has quickly tanked faster than Congress' approval rating.

Instead I'm gonna do what this site was originally all about: posting pictures of the food I eat for the world to see.  And tonight I got a good one for ya.  Last week we went to Outback Steakhouse.  Now, I've been very critical of Outback in the past because, well, it's not that good.  I mean how does someone make a bacon cheeseburger taste like a piece of toasted carpet lint?

You could imagine my pleasant surprise when I opened the menu to find a new special: steak and ribs on the same plate.  With a baked potato no less.  If you've ever had a meal with me you know how indecisive I can be, so whenever I see some kind of combination I get all excited like Vin Diesel at the announcement of a new "Fast and the Furious" sequel to extend his acting career.

Please forgive the dark picture - Outback's lighting doesn't really encourage food photography 

The cool thing is this actually tasted good, which is obviously half the battle when going into Outback.  But I gotta say - they redeemed themselves with this.  I mean, the cool factor alone is enough to make even Carrot Top not seem so lame - and that's really saying something. 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 7 Recap

Season 11, Episode 7 Recap

"Let me show you how to give yourself an enema with just your fingers"

As you can see, that TBC a couple episodes back really drained my interest level this season.  IMO it's like a below-the-belt hit.  And I'm telling you this now: there will be more.  They will drag this season out as long as they possibly can.  We've got the most contestants in HK history this season and naturally they want to milk it for all it's worth.  

Chefs on probation: This is another example of how stupid things are getting.  Probation?  Really?  So basically all they have to do is not screw up too much and they get their jacket back.  Great thinking, Gordon. 

Zacky Wacky: "I'm from the hood.  I love Chinese food."  

Chinese food challenge: Crack open giant fortune cookies and line up ingredients to six dishes.  I'm wondering what they did with all the broken fortune cookies.  They didn't all go to waste did they?

Anthony: "Ah yes, daikon radish!  That's something I cook with all the time!"  I like this guy.  He's quirky yet not too annoying.  May go far.

Danny Boy, broken record: Wait...where did he live for a year?  I didn't catch it the first thousand times, but apparently the rest of the Blue Team did:
Zacky Wacky: "Dan, is that the way they serve rice in Asia where you lived for a year?!"  
Anthony: "Hey Dan, go back to Asia for another year."  ahahahahaha 

Ramsay, forgetting where he is: "I don't want you making any excuses in front of the chef please.  He's given up his day to be here."  Yeah, he's given up his day to be on TV.  What a chore. 

Danny Boy, a walking dick with ears: "What goes around comes around, bitches!  Take that, skanks!"

Zacky Wacky, paintball hero: "It was fun shooting Dan.  I loved it.  So therapeutic." 

Balut egg special: I think watching the girls choke down a bunch of chicken fetuses is more amusing than the kind of drama Fox tries to manufacture with this nonsense.

Jessica, Captain Obvious: "Walking cod and halibut."
Ramsay: "Yeah, really?"

Danny Boy: "I'm riding solo on the meat station.  The spotlight is on me."  Let's hope the bulb burns out.

Paper on the halibut: Serving halibut with the parchment?  Why didn't Barret get kicked out for that?

Zacky Wacky, more trolling: "By the time you swallow it, it's too late.  You're on the floor with Jean Phillippe doing CPR on you.  Who the f$*@ would want that?"  Apparently Barret does, Zach.

Service with a smile

Barret, douche machine: "If anyone should be going home tonight it should be Ray.  51 years old.  Memory is really not there."  First of all, dick cheese, the guy whose "memory is not really there" is only five years older than the guy whose ass you're kissing to try and win a restaurant, so I'd watch the age gags.  Second of all, I think YOUR "memory is not really there" because you were stupid enough to leave the paper on the halibut and try to serve it to a guest.  Are you really that stupid or is this just a special occasion for you?

The Danny Boy stalks his next victim to annoy

So Jessica goes home.  I find it ironic that Ramsay spends so much time grilling the "probation" chefs and Jessica's the one who winds up going.  Whatever.  This was a pretty dull episode in my opinion.  Danny Boy's probably gonna hang around for a while, contrary to what the promo for Tuesday's episode says. 

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 6 Recap

Season 11, Episode 6 Recap

"What's that smell?  Oh yeah, must be my reality television career."

Yeah, this is about 5 days late, but I don't care since I heard it ends with another TBC.  If Gordon Ramsay is gonna spew his nonsense on the show then I will, too.  


Mary might be pregnant: I don't know what's scarier: Mary being pregnant, or the fact that someone actually impregnated her.

Gordon Ramsay, Peeping Tom: Why the hell are there cameras in the bathroom?...

Mike-Wikey, douche: "Once again I'm really worried about Dan the most going into tonight's service because I just question his food knowledge and his experience."  This is the kinda guy that sea crews commit mutiny against.

Nidra, ear biter: "You don't wanna f@*# with me. I'm Mike Tyson, bitch."  The scary thing is a smack from one of her boobs may be as hard if not harder than a whack from Iron Mike. 

Cliche inspirational quotes: "Guys don't cook with your emotions...UNLESS IT'S FIRE AND PASSION!"

Zachy-Wacky: "I can almost guarantee a win tonight."  You can almost guarantee a win when the odds are 50% chance of winning anyway?  You're bold, bro. 

Alright, I can't stand this.  He's getting the wait staff out to talk about how hard their jobs are?  One bitch said she almost lost her job the other night because a couple customers were complaining?  NEWS FLASH: YOU'RE ON A TV SHOW!  HELL'S KITCHEN IS A TELEVISION SET!!! And most of all...YOU'RE A F*@*$#( ACTRESS!!!   You really expect me to believe that they actually hired real servers?  So, what, they work on HK three weeks out of the year and then casually go back to their usual day jobs?  Bite me.  These are all actors and actresses trying to make it in LA.  Almost lost your job?  I almost lost my lunch at how horrible HK has turned this season. 

Danny Boy: "I don't like waiters, f@*! them they're annooooooying."  So are yoooooooou.

Logical issues: So the kitchens are at a standstill because Jessica and Barret have crappy handwriting (or because Gordon Ramsay needs some fun material for the cameras).  So like...what happened to all of the other servers that "work" in HK?  Are they, like, off for the night or something?  We were just fed this horribly scripted skit about how the servers take all this crap because of the kitchen's inability to cook, so, like, where are they? 

Danny Boy, that's what he said: "I keep trying to get in there, I keep getting shut down."

'Bout to go Mike Tyson on your ass

Ray, awesome comeback: "Are you f@*#&@& kidding me?  Really?  Put a f@&#!(# red jacket on, grab your f@&!()# tampons, and go on the f@&!($) red team.  Please."  Hahaha awesome.

Gordon: Hey!  Dumber and Dumber?
Entire Blue Team: Yes chef?

Sous Chef Dude who replaced Sous Chef Scott: I can't remember this guy's name, but I love that he storms into the dorm pretending to be all pissed off.  "I'M BESIDE MYSELF!"  Yeah, I'm sure you are, dude-whose-name-no-one-knows.

Maybe if you didn't do so many TBC's you wouldn't be so angry right now, Gordon.

Danny Boy vs. Ray-Ray: So here's the thing...Danny Boy really is a little bitch and Ray's totally serving it to him.  But on the other hand Ray totally f-ed up service tonight any way you look at it.  Remember how in the last episode's promo they tried to make us think Ray got into a fight with Amanda?  Yeah, nice try.

To Be Continued:  Bite me.  Here's what'll happen: Mary and Nedra are going to the Blue Team, Ray is going to the Red Team, and Danny Boy is going home.  Book it. 

BUS COUNT: Zachy-Wacky informed Mary that her red comrades threw her under the bus faster than anything.  Season total: 7.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Two Burgers for Five Dollars

This is awesome, as it's both a fundraiser to help the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society and a really good deal:

Not even McDonald's has two-for-ones for five dollars

Of course since this was on a base where photography is prohibited, I don't have any pictures to share.  I had a double burger, dad got the two-for-one.  Hot dogs were all out, otherwise I think we would have had one of each.  But this is a good deal and it was pretty tasty.  Plus it goes to a good cause.

By the way, Jeremy goes home tonight on Hell's Kitchen - book it.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 5 Recap

Season 11, Episode 4

"See this finger?  I like to shove it up my ass."

Worst episode ever.  Up yours, Gordon Ramsay.  This is one of the reasons why Season 10 was the worst season in HK history, because of horseshit like this.  Guys, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: JEREMY GOES HOME.  WHOA!!!  WHAT A SHOCKER RIGHT???  GOOD THING THEY EASED THE TENSION AND DELAYED IT UNTIL NEXT WEEK CAUSE IT'S JUST SO SHOCKING.  What was an otherwise decent episode was completely ruined by the anti-climactic and predictable ending.  This isn't the first time Gordon's gone across the aisle to eliminate someone, and Jeremy's been asking for it.  That's cool, though.  Half-assed episode gets a half-assed recap.

The Pallet Challenge: Cool new take on the challenge with 50 raw proteins displayed in the dining room and the contestants need to match a protein with a dish prepared by Ramsay.  Naturally there was some idiocy that ensued. 

Mikey Wikey and No-Hawk:  Turkey meatballs.  They had to identify some dag gone turkey meatballs and it took these jokers like 10 tries to figure it out.  "Rabbit meatballs?  F@*# OFF!"  Dude, seriously.  Is rabbit even big enough to make meatballs out of?  And then goat meatball?  Dude, wtf is wrong with these clowns?

Kangaroo Meatballs: "Are you hopping mad?  When was the last time you had a kangaroo meatball?"  

No-Hawk: "I feel like I'm completely letting my team down at this point.  I feel I just need to stop, think, and go 'what is it?'"  Wait, are you trying to tell me that you weren't thinking when you had the audacity to mistake turkey meatballs for f@*#!&$ rabbit and kangaroo?  Douchebag.

Cyndi, weird taste buds: "My heart's pumping, I'm throwing shit in my mouth."  

Ray, troll alert: "Oh, I thought it was kangaroo."  Apparently duck is as exotic of a meat as turkey. 

Cyndi, sex change beggar: "If I was on the guy's team right now I'd be begging for a sex change."  If I was you I'd be begging for a liposuction.

Only the most modern techniques in Hell's Kitchen

Amanda, driving up PCH: For those who don't know, PCH is Pacific Coast Highway, AKA Highway 1.  It goes up the entire coast of California and is an absolutely beautiful drive.

Gabrielle Reece and Laird Hamilton: Who...the...FARK are these people?  Oh, volleyball and surfing, of course!  BECAUSE SURFING AND VOLLEYBALL ARE SUCH MAINSTREAM SPORTS AND REECE AND HAMILTON ARE HOUSEHOLD NAMES, RIGHT???   I mean at least Ryan Hollins plays a sport that people watch.  Come on, guys.  Why don't we just bring Lee DeWyze back as a Guest of (dis)Honor while we're at it.

Nidra, thinking of the Hoff: "I feel like I'm on Baywatch."  Yeah, well, you're not.

Jeremy's ailment: Of course it's great that he's okay.  As someone who frequently forgets to eat meals, I can vouch for what happened.  I know what you're thinking - how the hell does Greg's Gourmet forget to eat meals?  

Ray, troll alert II: "Doctor said he needs to eat more, I think he needs a second opinion." 

Gordon Ramsay, alarm clock: I like how during breakfast service he questions "can you wake up a little bit?!"  Well, shit, Gordon - you wake up the guys at 4 and the girls at 6:30, they're on less than 5 hours of sleep.  What do you want?!

Jeremy and the sample scrambled eggs: For some reason Jeremy tried to pass off the sample scrambled eggs, which were cooked at least an hour prior to dinner service.  

Ramsay: Why are you using the soggy ones when you have the toasted ones behind you?
Nidra: Yes, chef.
Ramsay: NO!  Not "yes, chef"!  Why are you using the soggy ones?!

Nidra, pancake flipper: "How am I supposed to flip a pancake without a spatula?  Am I supposed to flip it with the bottom of my toes?" No, Nidra, I'm pretty sure for all of our sanity you don't want to do that. 

Nidra in her audition video for The Walking Dead

Nidra, total bitch: Nidra becomes targeted for elimination and instead turns the tables onto Mary which doesn't make a lot of sense.  She then goes on some tantrum that I couldn't understand outside of "BITCH YOU BITCH FACE BITCH ASS".  Nidra really screwed up this service and deserved to go up instead of Mary.  Amanda and Ja'nel defending their respective choices is fine, but Cyndi blindly nominating Mary is ridiculous.  You can tell who the leaders are and who are the followers. 

Once again, Jeremy is going home.  Clearly the idiot who was producing last season's episodes managed to troll their way into this episode cause this is the kind of horseshit that completely ruined season 10.  It's amazing that nobody at Fox either A) has the brains to realize how horrible of an idea this is to put a TBC on an episode like this and B) no one has the balls to suggest that maybe this is a horrible idea.  Why do we even need a TBC?  Remember when every episode used to have a beginning, middle, and end?  This is just stupid. 

TBC my ass.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Easter Egg Coloring

Happy Easter everyone!

Happy April Fools' Day everyone!

Happy Baseball Opening Day everyone!

Greg's Gourmet reader Alice submitted these photos of her adventures in Easter egg coloring:

Like an idiot, I would probably drink the food coloring.

Take note of the Starburst jellybeans.  You know how I know they're Starbursts?  Cause I'm a badass.

I like how the colored eggs are strategically placed between the plastic eggs and the jellybeans - clearly Alice knows a thing or two about clever food photography.  Thank you Alice for your contribution! 

I'd also like to share this picture because some people are convinced that everything I eat has a 1000 gram sodium minimum:

See this?  It's technically a SALAD!  HA IN YOUR FACE!!!

See, I can eat healthy, too.  You got your strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, grapes, and a kiwi.  The kiwi probably could have stood a few extra days to get ripe, but the grapes were really good.  Good eatin'.